Angels In Waiting

Angels In Waiting
by Martell

My wife and I went to the laundromat last night. You can tell that we are true-blue So Cal's by the fact that we drive to the laundromat, even though it's only about 100 yards from our house. Occasionally, when we forget something, my wife will walk home to get it and still be back in time for the rinse cycle. Of course, our rationalization is that the laundry baskets are really heavy (especially with bottles of detergent AND softener in them!), but if we were in New York or Paris or someplace like that, there is no way in hell we'd be driving. But we're not. So we drive.

Our local laundromat has the radio tuned to KBIG. If you're not from LA, KBIG plays the best soft hits from the 80's, 90's and today. Or something like that, I can't really remember their slogan. If you want an idea about what songs they play, you can visit their website and click on the “Now Playing” link, which will show you the last 10 songs they've played. Recent songs include ones by Ace of Base, Debbie Gibson, Outkast (“Hey Ya!”), Berlin and the Goo Goo Dolls. (By the way, is there any worse semi-popular band name than the Goo Goo Dolls? Oh yeah, I just remembered the Butthole Surfers.)

One of the games I like to play when we go to do our laundry is “Which Madonna Song Will We Hear Today?” Surprisingly, “Burning Up” was the right answer during each of our first three visits. How is this possible? It's not like she's Dexy's Midnight Runners. Anyway, since I had never really listened to KBIG before, I just assumed they had a really short playlist. In actuality, they just love Madonna. There hasn't been a single visit yet that hasn't included one of her songs.

That is, until tonight. As we got settled in, I was preoccupied with my Microeconomics problems, so it took me a while to notice that there wasn't any music playing. Instead, there was some sort of radio call-in show going on. I was tuning it out until I heard the host say, “He just wanted to say he was sorry that he couldn't be at your wedding.”

My first thought was, “That's kind of a weird thing to say.” I couldn't think of any context where that sentence would be said by a radio host, except...my second and third thoughts were, “Oh no, this is one of those shows where they contact the dead,” and “I don't have time to listen to this.” I tried fruitlessly to concentrate on my work, but it was too late. I'd been sucked in.

I learned at the commercial break that the show is called Angels In Waiting and that it airs on KBIG every Sunday night. Host Shaun Valentine and his guest “medium” are on the air each week to help you “hear from your loved ones who've moved on to the afterlife.” This is totally the type of show that I love listening to! No, it's not that it's a guilty pleasure of mine; rather, it's just that I can't believe there are so many stupid people in the world calling shows like this. It's the radio equivalent of Candid Camera, except the listeners never realize they're being tricked!

After the break, the next guest was another woman who was interested in contacting her deceased father. The medium reported a few vague messages from her father, at which point the caller offered up some specific information about her fiancé. Coincidentally, right after that, the father just happened to say he was sorry that he couldn't be there for the wedding and that he couldn't walk her down the aisle. How amazing! Two in a row! Maybe the medium never hung up with the last dead guy.

The next caller was an older woman whose husband had passed away. After a couple of vague comments, the caller wasn't offering any information, so the medium went out on a limb and asked if her husband had a friend named Daniel. When the woman replied that she didn't know anyone named Daniel, the medium then responded, “Don't worry about the name 'Daniel' exactly, just think about friends in general.” Yes, just think about friends in general, ma'am. Did your husband have any friends? He did? I must be psychic!

For a couple of seconds, the woman didn't respond. I think the medium took this as a hint, because she changed gears:

Medium—“There is an older woman with him. It's his mother. Is his mother dead?”

Guest 3—“No, his mother is still alive.”

Medium—“It's a mother figure. There's a mother figure with him.”

Guest 3—“My mother's passed away.”

Medium—“Yes, your mother is with him. She's taking care of him.” Oh, brother! Then later on:

Medium—“You miss him very much, don't you.”

Guest 3—“Yes I do.”

Medium—“He is saying something about a picture. A special picture. Do you have a special picture of him, smiling?”

Guest 3—“Yes I do!”

Medium—“He says sometimes you kiss your fingers and touch it.”

Guest 3—“Uh-huh!”

Medium—“He just wanted you to know that he sees you do that and that it means a lot to him.”

“Do you have a special picture of him, smiling?” You've got to be KIDDING me! I mean, what does every amateur photographer say before taking a picture? “SMILE!” Of course he's smiling! Jesus, lady, get a clue! Not only that, but she was so freaking excited that the medium knew about the picture. If I wasn't in public, I would have been screaming at the radio.

The fourth caller was another woman in her 30's, with a deceased father, that was about to get married. The medium relays a few vague comments about “special places” and a car crash sometime in the girl's past. Or maybe the father's past. Or the mother's. It was in somebody's past, that much she is sure of. Then she goes right for the emotional stuff:

Medium—“Your father wants to say that he is sorry. I don't know why. Do you know what that's about?”

Guest 4—“Um, well...”

Medium—“Was there any drinking in your family?” I don't think too many Mormons are listening to this show, so yeah, that's probably a pretty safe guess.

Guest 4—“Yes.”

Medium—“Did your father drink?”

Guest 4—“Yes.”

Medium—“I see a glass of alcohol. It's a glass of bourbon. Did he drink bourbon? Maybe it's scotch. Scotch or bourbon, or something like that. In a glass.”

Guest 4—“Hmm, no. No, he was more of a beer drinker. He never really drank hard liquor.”

Medium—“I just see something alcohol-related. In a glass. Did his drinking cause any problems?” Drinking? Causing problems?!? Where'd you get THAT idea?

Guest 4—(silence)

Medium—“Your father just wanted to say he was sorry for any problems you had in the past. And he's sorry that he won't be there for you, at your wedding. He just wanted to tell you that.”

Clearly, they do not play the show for the callers that are on hold.

The show continued on like this for the rest of our stay. By this point, we were openly mocking the medium. “And that special picture, is it in a frame? Yes? It's on a table somewhere, or maybe on a wall. It's on a table? Your husband says he likes that picture. He's smiling.”

At one point when we were about to leave, the medium asked a caller if her family was from the South, to which the caller flatly responded, “No.” From across the room, I hear a burst of laughter, and then, “Well, were they from the East? How about the West?” Another young couple seemed to be enjoying the program as much as we were. Which made me think: Are the people who design these shows sophisticated enough to design them with listeners like us in mind, knowing we are out there laughing along with them? Or are they simply aiming for the lowest-common denominator of society? Sadly, I suspect the latter to be the case. Perhaps someone can contact Allen Funt and find out for sure.

Martell can be reached at martell@babblog.com.