Survivor: Vanuatu, Episode #11 Hubris = Elimination

Survivor: Vanuatu,
Episode #11—Hubris = Elimination
by Rick Sliter

Well, Happy Thanksgiving! And nothing says Thanksgiving like some quality television—considering the football games were so bad in the afternoon, the evening had better make up for this—some Survivor, a little Apprentice, and then a Seinfeld shameless promotion to sell DVDs so those four can finally have enough money to retire. Oh wait, Jerry is already worth $1.5 billion? Regardless, I already own Seasons 1 and 2, and 3 won't be far behind. I look forward to the annual tradition of Jerry and Larry making $42 from me each November for the next 7 years.

The danger tonight is that I write this having already watched it. And that is not a good thing, cause I'll tell you right now, I'm not happy. I'm especially mad at a certain Barista, who got caught up making out with her girlfriend and lost focus. I'm tempted to go on Survivor myself to see if I would be guilty of such distractions, pride, and loss of focus. I don't think I would, but it happens with such regularity that I'm almost curious to see if in a world full of idiots, am I a part of the crew, or an outlier? And with that, we begin:

The group returns to Alinta on Night 27, and Eliza can't shut up. She immediately starts babbling about "I totally thought I was going home tonight," and says it in such a way that I'm sure many tribemates regret their vote for Chad. We don't exactly see Scout's eyes roll here, but I'm sure they are. Within two seconds, Chris starts working every angle he can, and I applaud him for trying. He tells Eliza, Julie, and Leann about the plans of Scout and Twila to pair with the men, get Ami out, and eventually change the course of the game. Leann immediately starts to question whether or not this is real. While I question what Chris is doing here, he is doing it exactly the wrong way. He's just revealed to the women that he must go, cause if he is around, there is a chance the women will defect and use him as an ally. Not exactly brilliant strategy from Chris, but at least he's mixing it up. And with that, the group happily goes to sleep, dreaming of which three-pocket shirt Jeff Probst will wear next...

Alinta, Day 28: We start with the necessary dramatic scenery of a volcano.

Leann takes it upon herself to find out exactly what is going on, so she begins to talk to Twila. Twila, under pressure from Leann's questioning, caves and admits that Scout was the one who came up with the whole plan. Leann indicates that those two women are screwed...

We set an all-time record for fastest challenge in the show, at 8:09. It is a memory test about previous challenges, which does not bode well for our friend Chris. Because it is a Thanksgiving show, here come the heartfelt moments. That's right—the winner of the challenge gets to have a one-hour chat ("over the Internet, with a computer" as Jeff painfully explains to those like Twila that aren't exactly sure what a computer is). But of course, we'll start by giving everyone a tease—a one-minute chat, equipped with a video camera as well.

We start with the sappy music, and with Twila, who admits that she does not know how to type. Jeff (OH!—three pocket shirt, brown, sleeves don't really exist, and thankfully, no sunglasses) decides that typing is unnecessary as he adjusts the camera to enable a web chat. Twila immediately starts to cry BEFORE she gets to speak to her son James. Now James is standing in front of a gray looking concrete slab, and immediately, our suspicion starts to rise. You know what is going on here, right? I take it that everyone of the tribe members do too, don't they?

Teri, who is Leann's best friend, joins next. She is in front of a world map, which seems to be hiding a gray looking concrete slab. Hmmm... Anyways, several questions are raised about Leann and her friend: Is this her friend, or a special friend? Let's assume it is just her friend—what's up with that? Would you choose a friend over a family member or loved one? Eliza goes next, and Eliza, who has no friends or loved ones, gets to speak to her mom. Her mom is in front of a gray concrete looking slab. Gosh, I wonder what is happening here? Julie is next, who gets to speak to her buddy Justin, who is in front of a gray concrete looking slab with a US flag draped over it. Hmmmmmm. Now let's talk about Justin—he is listed as Julie's “friend,” but we know what's going on here. First, whenever a Justin and a Julie are paired together, great things happen. This is an immutable law of nature. Just ask anyone who went to Anderson. Second, back to this Justin and Julie—it's clear (by watching Justin for five seconds on the screen) that Justin has loved Julie since he's known her; Julie has liked Justin, but since he's not a total hottie, has always considered him a good friend and someone to party with. All Justin can think of is how hot Julie is, and how they have a great time together—why does she still like those other loser misunderstood but mysterious boys?! But things never materialize for Justin as he wishes they would, and sometimes, when he's away from her, he admits just how desperately he wishes he wasn't her friend, but her partner. And how do I know this? Let's just say I know this Justin; heck, I was this Justin! (P.S. I recognized all of this from a 10 second exchange on TV—I'm either really talented or really disturbed—you choose.)

Enough about my high school and college years. We now move to Scout and her partner Annie; Annie talks like Elmo, and when I'm not looking at a huge gap in Annie's teeth, I'm noticing that Annie is speaking in front of a gray concrete slab with a picture hanging on it. Hmmmmmm. We then move to Ami, who is speaking to her girlfriend (not partner, girlfriend) Chrissy. Chrissy and I have a lot in common—like a gigantic nose (and a love for Ami). Chris finishes the emotional Thanksgiving scene by talking to Laurie, and they talk of their recent engagement. Wow. A white board is hanging from a gray concrete looking slab.

So we then head to the challenge, and the questions start out pretty easy. Question 1—Who broke the most tiles with a sling shot in Challenge 7? Everyone gets the correct answer, Rory. Question 2—In the great escape challenge, who started his ladder first? Everyone gets that Chad was the correct answer. Question 3—Who sat out in the puzzle piece challenge? Only a few get Dolly—actually, everyone except Twila and Chris. Question 4—What were the symbols used in the color tiles in the fourth challenge? Chris and Twila each get one; all else get three (including Julie, though she wrote down “five”). Question 5—In the first challenge, who fell in the water the most? John was the answer. After these five questions, it is a tie between Julie and Eliza. The tiebreaker question is to list the items used in the Concentration game. Julie writes down NOTHING!, and Eliza quickly destroys her. Eliza wins the reward.

And now for the big surprise! Her mom is actually here! You mean she wasn't at home in front of a gray concrete slab?! Shocker! Her mom actually gets to have an overnight stay with the tribe. Wonderful Jeff allows the other tribe members the opportunity to say hello and goodbye to those that are on the island. Twila starts; followed by Leann (no kisses, but several I love yous); then Scout (CBS doesn't allow kissing of two women on TV by the way; you can see the editing); Justin joins Julie; Chrissy joins Ami (again, great editing job); finally Laurie says hello to Chris, and CBS does allow kissing! What a freaking double standard. With that, we head to commercials, probably Levitra or Viagra, or something CBS allows.

Commercial Break #1

Okay, The Amazing Race (TAR) is taking shape, and I'm tempted to start giving some rules to TAR participants. Rule #16—One of the two team members needs to know how to drive a stick shift. How is this possible that the two New York sisters were eliminated, basically for stalling their car roughly 400 times?! Seriously, that is like going on Survivor without learning how to fish or make fire. Actually, this one is even worse. How easy is it to win one of these shows?!

Chapter 12 of the “I Think About Survivor Too Much Handbook: Whatever happened to the idea of the luxury items? Have we heard about anyone's luxury item even once this season? Why were they taken away? Why do I care?

And we're back!

After the challenge, Chris is mentally spent, for he got one of five questions correct. In real news, Eliza brings even more joy to the tribe by not only annoying the others, but also by having her mom annoy everyone else as well. Susan (her mother) admits that she was worried about several things—first, that Eliza was not flossing every day, and second, that she may die from the Ebola virus. I think the two are linked, personally.

Leann and Ami confront Scout. Scout admits that the plan to get away from the women was all Chad's idea. Now here is where it just gets stupid—Leann admits that Scout is not part of the alliance that will guarantee her a spot to the Final 4. Leann admits that he has promised a spot to Julie. Now I can't possibly think of anything worse than telling the person who has already tried to betray you that you don't have a spot for them in the Top 4. Again I ask, how easy is it to win one of these shows?!

The next morning, Chris and the ladies start to make gifts for Eliza's mom, but those gifts are not for her; instead, they are for the other 'loved ones' on the island. Susan leaves by giving Eliza an awful pink short sleeve shirt, which is viewed as some sort of sacrifice. Fashion sacrifice, that is.

Leann continues to berate Twila and Scout. The crew of Ami and Leann now go after Twila. Twila now swears on her son that she is locked in with Ami and Leann. Twila immediately tells the camera that for $1M, she'll eat her son. No, I'm sorry. For $1M, she'll ask for forgiveness for swearing on her son's name. Either way, she had an evil laugh at the end. And with that, we head to commercial...

Commercial Break #2

Fun travel note of last week #1: Four flights in 40 hours last Monday or Tuesday, with a total of 16.5 hours of delays. Oh, and for extra fun, there was a bonus fifth flight, as we couldn't land in our original airport destination due to severe weather. Woo hoo!

Fun travel note of last week #2: The woman next to me said, “I know this sounds weird, but where is San Diego? What state is it in?”

Fun travel note of last week #3: The woman who asked that question asked it while on a flight to, yep, San Diego.

And we're back!

Chris realizes that he needs immunity to stay alive (genius!). The tree mail indicates that there will be a race to determine immunity. Chris guarantees that he'll win.

JPFU: 2 pocket shirt (booo!), navy blue, and Scott Showalter-like sunglasses.

The relay race challenge involves (surprise!) the loved ones, who are still on the island. Wow, I never saw that coming (this show is being as predictable as Three's Company). (Editor's Note: I saw my favorite Three's Company episode the other day. It's the one where there's a misunderstanding, and Jack takes the blame.) The loved ones will be blindfolded, and led by the tribe mates to pick up items along a course, then return. For some reason, Mark Burnett loves to torture people blindfolded. Don't half the challenges these days involve this?

The challenge begins, with tremendous screaming and confusion. Here is the brief version—Ami and Chris do a great job leading their teams—on the other hand, Leann and Eliza do a miserable job at this. Once Ami and Chris have all three bags they need to construct a puzzle, Chris yells at his woman like crazy, and then, to make matters extra fun, keeps saying, “If I lose, I'm going home, if I lose, I'm going home.” I'm sure that is really motivating. Ami and Chrissy win immunity, and couldn't be more arrogant about it. On the other hand, Leann and her friend laugh it all off as something crazy and silly. Chris lets his fiancee know that he'll be home soon...

Commercial Break #3

Another commercial break so soon? I guess fees on Thanksgiving are higher than a normal Thursday. As a result, I protest this commercial break.

And we're back!

The negotiating strategy begins. Leann explains that the women were going to vote for Chris, but they feel that they should get rid of Eliza. Everyone is there except Eliza and Chris, and they decide to vote for Eliza. I can't underscore how terrible this is, but we'll get to this in a second.

Julie, for some inexplicable reason, tells Chris that he will not be going home tonight, and that Eliza is. I'm not sure what Julie's thought process is here, if she has one. If she does, I guess it makes sense to befriend him, cause who knows what could happen. But I'm afraid I'm giving her a little too much credit here.

Speaking of surprises, Twila actually shows some thought in the game, and tells Chris, “You know, you can really change this game right now.” (Translation: “You stupid idiot, get Eliza on your side and we'll pick off Leann, Ami, and Julie.”) Twila is dead on. Chris can't figure this out by the way. He guesses that Scout is the key; then Twila. Twila then slaps Chris upside the head and explains it to him slowly. Chris then talks to Eliza and explains that she is at risk. Eliza is initially concerned at Scout and Twila, and that she'll get double crossed. Of course, what is your alternative, Eliza?! Ugh. With all this nonsense, we head to Tribal Council.

Jury update of Do they look like they should?”—Chad looks like Chad; nothing too exciting.

JPFU: Who knows, it's dark—but it's a two-pocket shirt.

Jeff asks his typical questions, and then uncovers this gem—Leann admits that the challenge wasn't too worrisome: “I didn't feel like it was life or death for me, cause I don't feel like it is.” If at this point you didn't know who was going home, you've never watched Survivor.

We head to the votes: Julie votes for Eliza, as does Ami; we don't see any others.

I'll tally the votes: Eliza, Eliza, Leann, Eliza, Leann, Leann, Leann!

Shocked looks from Julie, Leann, and Ami. Smiles of complete joy between Eliza, Chris, and in the corner—Sarge and Chad are practically jumping up and down.

So while we head to commercial break, let's take a second here:

The fatal flaw was not executing the plan properly. Ami should have mandated that Chris be the next to go—eliminating anyone else, for any reason would have been a mistake. Ami would have easily been able to manipulate Eliza to join them in a Final 4 while eliminating Scout and Twila. No problem. Yet hubris got in the way, as Ami and Leann acted as if they owned this thing. Incredibly frustrating, because while the actual results have made for better TV, it's disappointing to see someone fail so bad.

So now we're at 6, and it would seem that the Final 4 is set. But I'm not so sure. The one thing I am sure of is that Ami will go next, barring some brilliant moves on her part or immunity. But when it gets to five, here is where I think it gets interesting. Julie has already developed a relationship with Chris, and I think they need to exploit it. When it gets to five, Chris should thank Julie for informing him about his situation, and let him know that he likes her more than Eliza, and that he needs her to join him to vote out Twila and Scout, while promising her a spot in the final. I think she'd take it.

If you're Twila and Scout, you better start working on Julie now as well.

If you're Eliza, you're a pawn, but you're not smart enough to realize it.

If you're Julie, you hold all the cards. Sit back, don't protest the betrayal, and wait till the Final 5 to figure out how you can best be an asset.

If you're Ami, you need immunity in the worst way. You may still have some loyalty with Julie, but I don't think you'll get it from anyone else.

Next time: Ami is bitter and sarcastic; and 'the surprises just keep coming' (whatever that means).

Leann's final words: “I still haven't figured out what is going on.” Again, how easy is it to win one of these shows?

Bye Bye!!

Rick can be reached at rick@babblog.com.