The Survivor Finale

The Survivor Finale
by Rick Sliter

Alright, as you may have seen (or more accurately, not seen), I've been quite a slacker lately in writing some updates. I'm most of the way through the 'Ami' episode, but it doesn't seem fitting to finish that right now, not with the finale airing.

So instead, I'm going to write a real-time update of the final episode. It may be bullet points, it won't be funny, but it will be an update! So sit back and relax...

MONTAGE!

Is there anything better than killing a good seven minutes with a very long introduction summarizing the first fourteen eliminations?
I love this summary because we get to see all of the missteps along the way. And they begin right away, starting with Sarge's plan to eliminate all of the strong, athletic men. One thing that never changes—Twila's bathing suit. I'm hoping that after last episode's mud challenge that the bathing suit will never make another appearance. But I'm pretty sure it has a life of its own by this point.
Who was Mia? Was she on this show?
While we're in the final stages of the intro, I'd like to go on record at saying that Chris' decision to not vote with Julie will prove to be a huge mistake. All he had to do was makeJulie promise him that they'd make the final 2. Bad move. Now Eliza no longer trusts him; the three women could align; and he is banking that he gets immunity in the final four challenge, or he will either tie to be eliminated, or will be gone in the first vote. It may work out for him, but it shouldn't.

Commercial Break #1

Nothing now, I'll think of something later. Oh, that blonde girl in the Old Navy commercials is pretty cute!

And we're back!

Wow, Eliza and Twila both show why they shouldn't win this show. Eliza starts complaining to Chris that she can't trust anyone (she needs him!), and Twila states that Eliza doesn't deserve to be here. They aren't exactly going to be voting for each other on the jury.
It's Day 37 at Alinta. Eliza has this really cool zit going on right now. I can't recall what was being said, cause it put me into a hypnotic trance...
Jeff's two pocket shirt brings me back. Two-pockets?! Damnit Jeff, we expect better. The immunity challenge is a vertical maze. Find ten pieces on the maze, which are each a letter, spell the two word clue, and win immunity. My guess for the winning phrase? FINAL THREE. Kathleen's guess? FIRE ISLAND. The thing I'm sure of? None of the final four contestants are thinking about this now, nor will they until they begin the puzzle.
The challenge begins with Scout, who decides that walking is the key to the challenge. This apparatus is actually one of the coolest things of the season, considering that most of the challenges this season have been repeats.
Twila gets off to an early lead, but I think it will be a function of arranging the letters that will determine the winner. Twila's expertise in highway construction is paying dividends here.
At this point, Twila has 8, Chris has 8, Eliza has 7, and Scout has 3. Is there any way you don't keep Scout until the Final 3? Has there ever been a worse physical competitor than Scout?
Chris gets the pieces done first, and honestly, I thought he'd have no chance to do a jumble properly.
With Kathleen as my witness, the correct phrase was FINAL THREE. I knew this before only because Jeff mentioned it right before the challenge began. That, and I spend a little too much time thinking about Survivor. But seriously, would it be that hard to win this thing? I don't think so.
Chris screams at the camera many a time, and although he'll likely win now, I still want to go on record saying that his decision to keep Twila and eliminate Julie was a big mistake. Think of the Jury issue—I'm not so sure Julie votes for him.

Commercial Break #2

A spooky holiday protest, tonight at 11! (Wow, I love the local news.)

And we're back!

A very arrogant Chris is back at the tribe celebrating. We're now introducing the “Hubris Alert!” Twila is actually celebrating the fact that Chris won immunity. If this were the Terror Alert, we'd be in Orange territory right now. So, while everyone is babbling, let's talk about what Chris needs to do. If he gets rid of Eliza, then he possibly loses another vote on the jury, which would require that he win immunity in the Final 3. Since it is an endurance competition, Twila could beat him. If he votes to get rid of Twila, in all likelihood it is a 2-2 tie; Twila and Scout now know that he can't be trusted, but would it matter if one of them goes home? Can you risk a tiebreaker if your immunity could be on the line?

Tribal Council

JPFU: looks like the same shirt. What is going on here?!?
RED ALERT in the Hubris world—Twila admitted to Jeff that this is the first time that she has felt comfortable in this game.
Jury review—Julie seems to brought some fashion to the jury. Ami seems to have had a haircut; same with Sarge. Julie appears to have been given hair extensions, and Leann, well...
Eliza voted for Twila, stating that she is a cockroach who won't die in a refrigerator (not exactly a common extermination technique).
Twila votes for Eliza, and then says something that will now be used on SAT exams as an example of severe grammatical errors in a sentence.
Chris once again proves that he is an idiot; not only does Eliza get voted off, but he openly mocks her as she expresses her disgust at getting voted off. Not to scream, but I will—DOES ANYONE REALIZE THAT THESE PEOPLE HAVE VOTES ON THE JURY?!?! Again, how hard is it to win at this game?

Commercial Break #3

Approximately two minutes after Chris votes out Eliza, Pontiac runs a commercial stating that this was a “Game Changing Moment.” I have no comment here, just that this bugs me deeply.

And we're back!

Everyone is celebrating the fact that Eliza is gone. Chris is talking about how many stars there are. Chris feels that he is playing the game very intelligently; I completely disagree.
Oh no, here comes Jeff. JPFU: 3-pocket shirt, brown.
This is going to be one of those terrible montages, remembering everyone that was voted off over the past 38 days. And that's exactly what it is. The three tribe members paddle out to the island of Roy Mata's burial site, and go through the standard goodbyes to all 15 of the departed.
Kathleen thinks the paddling took about five hours, given their wonderful technique.
Brook never had a chance.
Twila states that Dolly had beautiful eyes.
Let's see—I'll skip John and Mia and Bubba.
Lisa—I'm bummed that Lisa didn't make it further, only because I'm sure she would have broken Heidi's record for 'worst looking plastic surgery when losing 35 pounds on Survivor'.
Sarge—Sarge admits that this 'age alliance' was a mistake. Damn agist.
Chad—I'm a big fan of Chad, and wish he would have gone further.
Leann—Leann was the reason this game changed. So now we go to ...
Ami—and it was Ami that let the game be changed. Just terrible. She had a chanceto control this whole thing, and blew it. No one should be more disappointed.
Julie—Jeff Probst should date her immediately.
Eliza—Hey, at least she won a car, and will always be able to remember Survivor by that scar she'll now have on her forehead.
The final three arrive on the grave of Roy Mata; Chris leaves a spirit stick or something (don't drop the spirit stick!!); Scout and Twila also leave gifts, but this is really getting tiresome. Phew--commercial!!

Commercial Break #4

I've got nothing—let's keep going!

And we're back!!

The final Immunity Challenge:

Does Jeff always have to say “first things first” when taking back the Immunity Idol?
Take a bow and arrow; hold it for as long as possible—the winner gets immunity. My prediction—Scout lasts for about 12 seconds, but Twila will defeat Chris.
Here we go! I hope this goes on for a while, so Jeff can talk smack. Jeff waits about one second before he starts to talk.
Scout is done. That didn't take very long.
Now, at this point, a few points of advice: don't look at your opponent; don't try to start talking about a deal.
And just as I say that, Chris starts talking. Bad idea. It shows desperation.
They've gone 55 minutes. A mental mistake will ruin this.
The music is building—Twila is eliminated! Chris wins final immunity, and my cries about proper game theory go out the window. He has overcome some bad playing and has managed to win. Nice job.

There's Commercial Break #5, but we're already back!!

So, while Chris celebrates, who should he take to the final two? Let's see who on the jury votes for him:

Sarg—Sarg will vote for Chris, but there is a small chance that he could vote for Twila.
Chad—Chad votes for Chris—100%.
Leann—I'm not sure who she votes for—she was very distrustful of both Twila and Scout.
Ami—Ami hates men, but she isn't a fan of either Twila or Scout. My guess is that it doesn't matter—that he loses this vote.
Julie—Julie will be pissed at him, and I think he loses the vote.
Eliza—If he takes Twila, then Eliza probably still votes for Chris; if he takes Scout, who knows? She is very pissed (it will have only been one day apart), so I think he needs to take Twila for this reason.
#6—Either female votes for the other

So I think Chris has three votes if he takes Twila, and only two guaranteed votes if he takes Scout. Wow. Leann is going to end up deciding this thing?!

Meanwhile, I had to hit pause because Scout just said the most outrageous thing ever. Chris, now fearful that Twila and Scout had an alliance for the Final 2, approached Scout to ask her about it. Scout admits that there was no agreement for the Final 2, only the Final 4. This strategy is brought to you by the “How to Lose Survivor Handbook,” written by Colby (FOUR blades!), who pioneered the concept. Even worse, Chris thinks it could be some reverse, reverse psychology. Oh how the blind are leading the blind this year. Makes me long for the sweet strategy of Johnny Fairplay.

Wow, does Eliza look pissed! Could her speech rival Sue's “snake and the desert” speech?

Nothing adventurous about the pre-vote discussion. Everyone is a happy family.

Jeff goes and gets the vote (I still think Chris Harrison should do this round—I'm sorry to tell you, there is only one vote left). And Scout is voted out! Congrats Scout, Colby loves you.

Before we head to commercial—if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times—if you want to win Survivor, get into Highway Construction!!

Commercial Break #6

Wow, are there a lot of commercials. I was on pause and need to catch up. By the way, when are the Chargers going to lose? I thought this weekend would be the perfect opportunity to come back to earth—wow, I'm impressed.

Actually, I'm troubled—this is where David Spade's career has gone? Capital One?!

And we're back (after like 8 minutes—CBS wants to get paid!)

I can't wait for bitter jury time! So much fun. So much irrationality...
But first we have to go through this whole 'the last time I'm on the island' crap. What should happen is that you should go and hide out and think through the jury and every possible scenario—your opening remarks, answers to possible questions, and how to play against your opponent. Again, I pray that either of these people will take an aggressive stance—defend your actions, explain the moves, and don't apologize. If you do that, I honestly think you can win. And from these scenes, I think that Twila may actually destroy Chris. Chris' “nice guy” strategy should backfire—we'll see.
They leave the tribe—in ruins, of course. Now all the production assistants get to go and clean it up. So if you are an MBA that wants to make it in Hollywood, go pay your dues cleaning up crap on Vanuatu. Hollywood rules!
Chris has been talking for the last several minutes, I've heard nothing. But it's time to pay attention now, cause here comes Tribal Council, angry jury style!
JPFU: 3 pocket shirt, brown. Sarge fashion update—What in the hell is that shirt he is wearing? It's like the US flag gone horribly wrong. Kathleen thinks he is now a member of the US Figure Skating Team.
Ooh, Jeff didn't say “first things first” when taking the immunity necklace. Damnit!
While Jeff explains the rules of tonight, let's go back in jury history. Worst question: Season 1, where that guy asks the final two to pick their favorite number (FYI, that proved to be the deciding vote).
Chris' opening comments—He explained that he kept his alliances, and that he overcame obstacles. Is Chris trying to win $1MM, or to get in a BCS bowl game?
Twila's opening comments—Much stronger. She was in the game to better her life; she worked hard for it, and she never gave up. Solid, and to the point.

Another commercial to sell some Pringles, and we're back!

That shot of Ami tells me she actually may beat Eliza for the Most Bitter award. But here comes Eliza!
Eliza starts with some comments—I have a comment first: What is that outfit? She calls Twila a “deceptive, lying bitch” who never gave her respect. She also calls Chris a “deceptive, lying bitch.” Her question is that she asks for an apology. Twila chooses not to give an apology, and calls her a “spoiled little child.” Chris sucks up to Eliza and wins the vote.
Julie goes next, and she immediately starts to cry. Why, I'm not exactly sure...Julie lets Chris know that she helped him with no value to gain from this. As she is crying, she asks two questions—One, why did he need to build up the stories so much? And there wasn't really a question #2. Oh wait, here it is. She wants to know when he changed his mind. Chris opted for the crying strategy; I don't feel good about this.
Leann is next. She asked Twila why she broke the alliance, and did so in an intelligent fashion. Twila's response was quite good, talking about how the inclusion of Julie was a threat to her; however, she ripped on Ami during the middle of her response. Chris' response to Leann's question was pretty good.
Ami is next, and starts off by ripping on both Twila and Chris. But then something shocking happens. She asks Chris why he is in the Final 2, and she is not. Chris answers absolutely brilliantly. He states that he is the Final 2 because she was soft, and gave him a way to survive in the game. Both Leann and Eliza were seen nodding their heads in approval.
Chad asks how the game has changed each of them. Twila states that she needs to watch what she says. Chris states that he has learned that the Final 7 have genuine qualities.
Sarge is next. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sorry, I was in incredible pain from having to look at the shirt. He asked Twila if the price tag on her son was a million dollars. She said no.
Scout says nothing. She thanks Twila, and calls Chris full of #@!$. No questions are asked.

Before we get to last words, we get to Commercial Break #7.

And we're back. Here are final words!

Twila says, “I didn't come into this game to deceive or lie to anyone. I came in to the game to win a million dollars.” She attacks Sarge, and starts to cry.

Chris goes for the weak apologies non-stop. He addresses each person individually. Nothing spectacular, and I don't think it swayed anyone's vote.

It's time to vote--and I think that Chris will win--probably by 5-2 now.
Sarg votes for Chris; Scout votes for Twila; and Eliza votes for Chris! (Wow, is she easily manipulated.) Ami also votes for Twila, which means that Chad, Leann, and Julie will determine this.
Jeff departs, and here comes the dramatic quest across the land to a rigorous sound stage. He chops through the forest, takes off on a small plane in Vanuatu; flies to Hawaii, and then jets over to the mainland, where, oh my! He parachutes in; and then hops on a Harley to ride across the desert and into Los Angeles! Wow, welcome to the most dramatic and gratuitous Tribal Council ceremony yet!!!!
We're here on Studio 36 in Television City. (It's not really in Hollywood, but in North Hollywood, about 7 minutes from my mom's house. Hi mom!)
Chris looks NOTHING like he does, and neither does Twila. She has scary bangs and long hair. Here come the votes:
- Chris (from Sarg)
- Chris (from Eliza)
- Twila (from Scout)
- Twila (from Ami)
Now the three we haven't seen....
- Chris
- Chris!! Chris wins! (presumably 5-2, otherwise the votes wouldn't go down like this).
The cast shows up to congratulate him. Jeff calls him “one of the most unlikely winners.”

So there we are. A few reunion comments:

Does this qualify as the 'ugliest' Final 2 in Survivor history?
Julie has a big career ahead of her. Eliza, on the other hand, does not.
Does Ami go back to being a Barista?
Leann had the line of the night, stating that she voted for Chris because 'she promised Twila that she would never write her name down.'
What's with Jeff's long-sleeve shirt?
Chris' fiancé indicates that he told her he came in seventh. I'm pretty sure it is against the rules to say anything about how you do, even if you lie about it...
We will not be naming our son any of the following: Rory, Scout, Twila, Sarge, Lea, or Leann.
Turns out Scout has an artificial knee, and that she needed a knee replacement after the show.
Survivor #10—The most stunning location yet—Palau! There will be 20 contestants, and the promise of a new format for the game.

The Islands of Fire are complete!

Rick can be reached at rick@babblog.com.