Survivor: Panama, Exile Island, Episode #1--Old Women and Young Men Are Useless

Survivor: Panama, Exile Island, Episode #1—
Old Women and Young Men Are Useless
by Brenda McAlice

So, week one and some of my predictions have already proven wrong. Luckily, some of them have also been proven right, or I can at least twist reality enough to make it seem that way. For those of you who want the short version, here it is. I got the first survivor booted out wrong (Ruth Marie wore pigtails the entire episode, and will now be christened "Pigtails" for all future episode recaps—I hope she is voted off soon). I did, however, pick the right losing team. The “older ladies” tribe is now down by one Lumberjill. Tina is toast. All other knowledge you might crave can be obtained simply by reading the title to this week’s recap or continuing on below.

Opening Scene

There are ominous birds circling over an island. The shadow of a skull appears in the background of the screen. Is this an episode of Lost or Survivor? One can not yet be sure. Then, with a background of gloomy music, Jeff Probst introduces the world to Survivor, EXILE ISLAND. The Panama part gets pretty much left out entirely. CBS is going to have a large population of non-geographically inclined Americans thinking that there is a group of islands somewhere in a body of water someplace tropical called Exile Islands. People will start trying to book vacations there.

Anyway, Jeff P. now tells us a little more about the game. There will be an island where, each week, one survivor will get banished to for the period of time between losing the reward challenge until the next immunity challenge takes place (typically one night). The banished survivor won’t know what the hell is going on at camp (disadvantage), but at least he (or she) will be able to get the hell away from his jackass tribe mates for a day (advantage). There is one other advantage—the island has a hidden immunity idol. The exiled survivor can look for it while they’re on the island. If it’s found, the survivor doesn’t have to tell anyone, and can use it AFTER all the votes have been cast, thus saving his ass at the last moment. Jeff declares that this is “an added mystery—a twist that has never before been seen in the game of Survivor.”

Enter the boats carrying the lucky 16. A manta ray is shown jumping from the water. Vultures circle overhead with carrion hanging from their beaks, and the theme music begins to play. A-eeee-oooo-aa-ooo-a-oooo-a-ahhhhhhhhhh. Heyy-eeee-oooo-aa-ooo-a-oooo-a-ahhhhhhhhhh.

Meet the Survivors, and Let the Game Begin

The survivors get out of the boats and climb up a short hill to where Jeff is standing. Cirie Fields, Mrs. Fields’ illegitimate granddaughter, is already huffing and puffing. Some of the younger guys are checking out the female hotties. A wink or two is passed between teams, and Shane is bright enough to be able to answer Jeff’s question of “what do you notice about the way the teams are split up?” Profound, Shane. You must be a real smart guy to have figured out that you’re divided by age AND sex. Wow. Pigtails is standing there with her sassy hair and fake boobs, clearly hating being branded as an “older” lady. Bobby cleverly labels the older women as “The Golden Girls” and the younger women as “The Spice Girls.” He labels himself king of the young, virile men. A rabid tapir then suddenly leaps on to Bobby’s head and decapitates him. The other survivors applaud.

Jeff quickly tells the teams about Exile Island, and then announces that this is the start of their first reward challenge. The winning three teams will receive flint to start fire. The losing team will be forced to leave one of their members behind on Exile Island. The challenge is a foot race to a pile of skulls. The survivor’s goal is to break open skulls from the pile until a skull is found with an amulet inside. The survivor then runs back to his team and the mission is completed. The first three teams to complete this win.

Tangent/Rant: I am very glad that once again CBS has chosen to teach us that it is okay to decimate ruins in search of riches. I know the skulls are fake, but these underlying lessons of what is and isn’t okay in ancient/historic areas only further implants the idea that these places are ours to destroy as we please. Last season showed the players climbing all over ruins in the Guatemalan jungle, and I’m sure the CBS work crew’s primary objective when setting up challenges is not to leave the smallest impact possible. Grrrrr.

Back to the challenge. Racing music ensues. Austin takes a spill right out of the gates. I applaud openly and laugh at him from the couch. I have already formed my impression of him before ever even seeing him in action. Cirie declares to her team that “God is going to help” Pigtails, who they’ve decided to have run for their team. I also openly mock her. The old men come in first, unfortunately followed by Austin for the young'uns. The women are now trying to out-crack each other to find the last amulet. Pigtails returns first, much to the chagrin of the young women’s team. The young women share is a group hug anyway, each of them secretly thinking about how much thinner and more attractive they are than their fellow tribe-mates (trust me, this is what we do). After an impromptu game of rock-paper-scissors, it is determined that Misty will be spending the night on Exile Island. Misty’s eyes get misty, and she pouts as the rest of her team and the others take off to make camp.

=========LONGEST COMMERCIAL BREAK EVER=========

Personalities Unfold

Tina proceeds to yodel like Tarzan on the way to their new camp. Tina seems nice, but is a bit of a honky. Cirie is a total moron. She’s afraid to clear the ground to set up camp because there might be bugs under the leaves. Pigtails is a total soccer mom. She is probably considered a MILF amongst her children’s friends. She appears to have absolutely zero personality. The other old lady is completely forgettable, as she lacks both personality and a good body. Nonetheless, the older women make fire and find their water (actually, Tina the Lumberjill does all this while her team watches).

Are the young men also hard at work making fire and boiling their water supply? No. They are playing baseball on the beach with driftwood and coconuts. Typical. Once they do decide to make fire, Aras turns a bit wacky. He has the team stack hands with an inch of space between each hand in a “meditation circle” to help them focus and give them positive energy to make fire. To the person who left the comment that he is not gay, are you sure? Regardless, they eventually get their fire going, but not before Aras has partially alienated himself from the other young bucks with his hand game mediation nonsense. Their attempts to make a shelter are absolutely ridiculous. What is wrong with these guys? Weren’t they ever Boy Scouts? Or were they too busy doing Jockey brief ads for the JC Penney’s catalog to get a chance to learn anything useful for outdoor survival? Wow—not a good showing for all you young guys out there; embarrassing, even.

The young women are not much better. None of them can make a flipping decision. “I don’t know, what do you think?” They sound like me when someone asks me where I want to eat dinner. Damn young women. They are all so afraid of offending each other that it’s a wonder they ever found a spot for their shelter. Courtney the fire-dancing chick then finds a dead sea turtle on the beach. Instead of cooking that bad-boy up for dinner (much needed nourishment), she draws a sand heart around it and declares that the sea turtle “is, like, such a symbol of Mother Earth.” After that, they sit around the fire and talk shit behind Misty’s back since she is on Exile Island and can’t defend herself.

The old men are kicking ass. Bruce is a little bossy with them, and the astronaut and the airline pilot make an early alliance. Dan the astronaut looks sooooo old. He is also very, very pale. Shane is a self-proclaimed “three pack a day” smoker. He is getting more and more cranky by the minute. I give him another week to be booted. The only way he’ll stay is if the old man group stays strong. The second they have to send someone home, it’ll be him, unless the rabid tapir gets to him first.

======SECOND LONGEST COMMERICAL BREAK EVER======

We now pan back to Misty, alone on Exile Island (except for the camera crews and other crew members who probably make it pretty hard to feel too alone). It’s the morning, and she’s tired and hungry. She has not found the immunity idol, but she’s going to fool people into thinking that she did. Pretty smart, really, because maybe then they’ll stop looking for it when they all get exiled. The bugs she ate for breakfast must have intelligence-boosting powers.

Immunity Challenge

The teams gather. Misty is reunited with her team. Jeff spells out the challenge, which is a typical Survivor water/raft/land challenge. The team that finished last has to send someone home. My first thought at the challenge is “damn, that is one pale astronaut.” I think that the old man astronaut is the only one on the island who didn’t visit the tanning salon before his trip. More power to him, but it sure does make him look old and awkward next to his teammates.

The old men and the young women take the lead. The young men are struggling, and Cirie’s breasts are hanging out of her suit, causing her to get the TV blur-out. The young women head in first, followed by the two men’s teams. The older women are having trouble paddling and containing their breasts within their swimming suits (except for Pigtails, who has her purchased rack neatly stowed with only the requisite cleavage showing). In the end, the older women lose by a mile. I cite their breasts as the biggest obstacle.

====COMMERCIAL BREAK/PLUG FOR THE SURVIVOR “BUFF”====

Who really buys these things?

Let the Conniving Begin

The older women slog back to camp. There is a Tina heartbreak moment where she goes out to the beach by herself and memorializes her son by writing his name in the sand. I do feel sorry for her loss, but this scene seems contrived. Her team takes advantage of her being gone to plot against her. Cirie knows she’s the weakest link, so she’s the one doing most of the conniving to save her own ass. She eventually plots with the other two to boot off the “lumberjack lady.”

Tribal Council

The best line ever is spoken to Jeff. He asks Melinda how things are going. She retorts that it really is survival blah blah blah wood, blah blah blah fire, blah blah blah water and bugs. She then tells Jeff, “It really isn’t easy. You should try it.” Jeff gives her a "fuck you" look and continues asking stupid questions. He backs Lumberjill into a trap, leading her to reveal that she thinks her work ethic is better than the rest of the tribe’s, thus sealing the fate that was already probable when the tribe left camp. Tina gets voted out three to one. Bye bye, Lumberjill!

Next time on Survivor

Shane goes off the deep end in a nicotine-deprived craze and threatens to burn down the entire island if the crew can’t find him a ciggy.
Cirie reveals her relationship to Mrs. Fields, and also exposes herself to Jeff, shattering the record for the Largest Blur On Primetime Television.
Pigtails, aka Ruth Marie, aka Mrs. Robinson, is discovered to be a robot whose personality programming is faulty. A high-priority help desk ticket is opened in hope of getting the personality program to reboot.
Dan the astronaut gets sunburned.
A pack of rabid tapirs captures Jeff and threatens his life if CBS doesn’t start using their union cameratapirs in place of the cameramen currently on the island.

Stay tuned for Episode 2. Things can only get better from here.

Brenda can be reached at brenda@babblog.com.