Survivor: Panama, Exile Island, Episode #2--Like, Drunken, Like, Survivor Recap

Survivor: Panama, Exile Island, Episode #2—
Like, Drunken, Like, Survivor Recap
by Brenda McAlice

Why, oh why do I watch this show? Last week’s episode prompted me to ask myself that question. It really has become a pretty crappy 30 minutes of television, surrounded by an equally crappy half hour of commercials. It mostly only serves to strengthen my general annoyance with and hatred of the majority of the human race. Good for all of you who do not rot your brain with this crap. Reading my recap alone could decrease your IQ by at least 10-15 points. Imagine what it is doing to my brain both watching AND recapping it each week.

So here’s how things began. I was fumbling around with the remotes after having decided to watch Survivor on Saturday night after drinking an entire bottle of wine. I have just admitted that I do not watch the show on Thursday evenings. I record it and watch it on the weekend. And I don’t even TiVo it. My option for recording is the good, old fashioned VCR. Anyway, after some seemingly garbled instructions from B on the proper use of the remotes, I figured out how to make the TV screen interact with the VCR and produce both picture and sound. Hallelujah, we’ve got Survivor!

A-eeee-oooo-aa-ooo-a-oooo-a-ahhhhhhhhhh. Heyy- eeee-oooo-aa-ooo-a-oooo-a-ahhhhhhhhhh.

The quick and dirty of this week is that Melinda the Country-Singing Republican got the boot. She was not, like, totally hip enough to get along with the rest of her newly merged tribe. That’s two down for the old chicks. The other part of the show involved a merge, a couple of challenges, some voting strategery, and the complete inability of any of the younger Survivors to have a conversation without using the word “like” as a filler (hence the title of this recap). Where did that habit come from, and how can we successfully drive it out of society’s vocabulary as quickly as possible?

I apologize in advance for the rest of this article—following my notes written in a wine-induced stupor will not be easy.

Opening Scene

The old ladies were back at camp, sans the Lumber Jill, and they couldn’t seem to get their fire started. Way to vote off the strongest member, ladies. Good luck in the rest of the game. Back at the young women’s camp, the ladies succeeded in knocking down some papaya. They then proceeded to feel each other’s papayas for firmness. They continued with this sexual theme, as Misty exclaimed, “I like it soft like that. It’s almost orgasmically wonderful.” I disagree with Misty. I prefer it hard. At the old man’s camp, Shane got all bent out of shape because he missed his kid, and his cigarettes. I think he was lying about missing the kid.

The Groups Merge

Merge?! What the hell? These tribes have only had one stinking episode broken up by age and gender! Now all of CBS’s smart marketing on the possibility of lesbian love is fleeting. Instead of staying split up, there was a school-yard style pick for tribes. The male “captain” had to pick a female, and vice versa. Then the person picked most recently picked the next person, and so on. Someone picked Mrs. Fields’ granddaughter almost right away and I was very confused as to why. Cirie turned around and picked Bobby, and so it went until Bruce was the only poor guy left. Why didn’t someone pick Bruce? He is a 900th degree black belt and in better shape than all of them. Oh, well. For getting picked last, Bruce had to go to Exile Island—bahhh bah bahhhhhh. But, also for getting picked last and since the teams would not be even with him on one of them, Bruce got guaranteed immunity and the ability to join whichever team voted someone out after the immunity challenge.

I didn’t pay any attention to which players ended up on which tribes, so here’s my online research to show you:

La Mina: Austin the Ass, Dan the Albino Astronaut, Misty*, Nick*, Pigtails, Sally*, Terry*

Casaya: Aras the Fabulous, Bobby the Brother, Bruce “Lee”, Mrs. Fields Granddaughter, Courtney the Brain-dead Fire Dancer, Danielle*, Shane the Smoker

* denotes that this Survivor has not yet shown enough personality to get a nickname

Challenge #1

My notes on what happened next are very unclear, so <insert imaginary challenge here>. I do remember that fishing gear was the reward. That is always the way it goes in Survivor. First flint, then fishing gear, then rice, etc. It is becoming so predictable. Sigh. I did notice and note accordingly that Pigtails’ breasts do not properly bounce when she runs. I seem to be obsessed with those plastic things. Sorry. Oh! And there were these wooden snakes in the challenge, which the men handled expertly. At one point Cirie fell on Bobby’s head, which I imagine must have hurt a lot. At the end of the challenge, the winning team of La Mina celebrated in slow motion as CBS cut to commercial.

======LONG ASS COMMERICAL BREAK WITH LOTS======
======OF LAME VALENTINE'S DAY COMMERCIALS======

Consistent Scheming and Other Boring Island Life

The first thing that I noticed when the show came back on from the fast-forwarded commercials was that the 34 year-old Bobby was originally on the old man’s team. What is up with that? Where is the line between young and old? Do you suddenly wake up one day at 32 or 33 and realize that you’ve gone from young to old overnight? (Editor's Note: Yes.) The second thing that I noticed was how sloppy and saggy Cirie’s body is. Kind of contradictory thoughts, huh? On one hand I was cursing CBS for insinuating that 34 is old, while simultaneously judging Cirie on her old and saggy body. I also wrote a note to myself to get to the gym in hopes of staving off both age and sagginess.

Then I snapped back into Survivor reporter mode and noticed that our Survivors didn’t take a commercial break from playing the game of Survivor. They were right where they left off on conning and scheming about who won’t vote for who, who is forming an alliance with who, who to boot off next etc. Shane, the a-hole smoker, swore on his son’s life that he wouldn’t stab his alliance in the back. He then later told them (only half jokingly), “Here’s the deal: if any of you screw me, I’ll find you and I’ll kill you.” Great.

Meanwhile, Bruce was back at Exile Island practicing Tai Chi and breaking the flint with his machete, thus ruining any chance at a fire. I am not sure if he looked for the immunity idol at all, but he definitely did some mean waxing on and waxing off, and I am pretty sure I remember a crane kick or two, Daniel-san. Jeff once again told Bruce that fate had chosen him. No, I think it was his teammates NOT choosing him that landed him in exile, Jeff. But you’re right, fate sounds more mysterious and dramatic. No wonder CBS pays you the big bucks.

Back at La Mina, the tribe decided to take a chance at fishing with their newly won gear. Sally, for some unknown reason, was wearing knee high soccer socks with a bikini. Upon her first practice shot with the fishing spear, she succeeded in dropping the spear right into the water, where it promptly sank to the bottom, over 40 feet below. She was SOOOOOOO blonde and girly about it. “Teee heee heee. I am soooooo sorry. Oops.” Yeah—that might have just cost your team food for the rest of the time on that island, sister. I am surprised that no one diced her up and used her flesh for bait after that idiot move.

All the younger guys told her it was okay, which really translates into, “You’re hot and I’d like to see you without that bikini and soccer sock outfit on, so I don’t care about the spear right now because I am only capable of thinking of one thing at a time, and right now it is you naked.” All the older men looked pissed off and disapproving, much like my dad does when I do something clumsy and girly.

Challenge #2—This Time I Was Kind of Paying Attention

So, the second challenge was much like all other water challenges in Survivor. There were boats that needed to be bailed, as water was flowing in from holes in the bottom. First, though, the boats had to be disconnected from the bottom, and the teams had to figure out how to haul a heavy box along the bottom with the boat. Two of the Survivors drowned in the challenge, meaning that they had to cut to commercial to bring in the body doubles. Casaya ended up losing, thus ruining my possibility of getting Pigtails voted off, and further spitting on my ability to predict what is going to happen in this show. Bummer.

Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe

It didn’t take the Casaya tribe long to figure out that most of them had already formed an alliance, and that the only two outsiders were Cirie and Melinda. Neither of them fit in well with this team of, like, totally younger people. Shane was originally one of the older men, but his vocabulary and demeanor put him right into cahoots with the younger folks. Bruce was still off at Exile Island waiting until tribal council, so he didn’t get a chance to weigh in. I think Bruce is going to be disappointed to end up on this crummy tribe.

At this point in the show, Shane went off the deep end. He was completely nicotine deprived and depraved. “All I want is a cigarette and a cup of coffee.” He said. He was crying that he wanted to go home, and he missed his son so much, etc. What a flake. There are only 1,000,000 other people who applied to the show and got turned down. Jerk. Cirie and Melinda were especially pissed that they were on the chopping block and wanted to stay when Shane so clearly wanted to go home.

In the end, Shane was brought to his senses and told Cirie and Melinda in front of the group and openly that one of the two of them was going home. Courtney the Braindead Fire Dancer was a little miffed about that. I think she would have preferred continuing to be nice to Cirie and Melinda’s faces and just stabbed them in the back later at Tribal Council. Shane is a total ass and oblivious to people’s feelings, but at least he was honest with them.

Tribal Council

So, off to Tribal Council went Casaya. Bruce was there waiting to take his spot on the new team. He got to watch and listen to the whole thing, but didn’t get to vote, and he had immunity so no one could vote for him. Cirie and Melinda knew it was going to be one of them. They both voted for Shane, but the rest of the tribe voted for Melinda.

I get a kick out of the enormous permanent marker that the Survivors use to write down their votes. CBS tries to disguise as some ancient Panamanian relic, but it is so obviously a fat sharpie that you can almost smell it through the TV. I also noticed at this Tribal Council that Jeff clearly avoids any physical contact with the Survivors. I wonder if he is a complete primadonna who only comes out of his jungle trailer for quick shoots, and doesn’t like any peon Survivor contestants looking at him or making any contact. He rudely and obviously shied completely away from being touched by one of them as the tribe came in and out from the Tribal Council.

An East Tennessee Good-bye Hug

A new addition (to be debated) to the end of the show is the “Febreez Family Moment.” In this post-Tribal Council commercial spot, the family of the loser who got voted off gets a few seconds of air time to do or say something that will likely be cheesy and embarrassing for the castoff player. This week, Melinda’s mom, dad and dog Lexi got to tell Melinda how much they missed her and how proud they were of her, and then sent her a “great big East Tennessee hug.” Bye, Melinda. Have fun going back home and walking Lexi since you were not cool enough to hang out with the hip crowd on the island.

Next time on Survivor

Danielle gets a personality worthy of a nickname.
Cirie rubs herself with body butter to try to slip out of a hold in a wrestling challenge.
Shane wakes up to find that his fellow tribe members have shoved a pack of cigarettes and a pound of coffee up his ass while he slept in a attempt to shut him up.
Jeff is seen coming out of his trailer in a protective face mask and body suit, yelling at the crew to get him more hand sanitizer.
Sally’s body is discovered 40 feet below the sea with a brick tied to her ankles. The old men in her tribe seem strangely nonplussed.
The entire population of resident tapirs has vanished from the island, causing a mixture of joy, fright and confusion.

Brenda can be reached at brenda@babblog.com.