An Initial Attempt to Derive an Equation That Can Be Used to Measure the Worst Movies of All-Time

An Initial Attempt to Derive an Equation That Can Be Used to Measure the Worst Movies of All-Time
by Vance Macdonald

When it comes to movie lists, there is almost nothing I could say that has not already been said. And that is why I stopped writing this article several times before finally handing it over to be published. My primary reason for walking down such a well-worn path is that I want to know your worst movies. Not your favorite “bad” movies, but your worst movies of the year and of all time.

Now, when offering up a “worst movies” list, most sources invariably qualify the selection method in order to level the playing field. Typically, this will only account for the movies’ relative expectations. A slick Hollywood production surely can not be gauged on the same absolute scale as a slasher movie from a first-timer with a hand-held digicam. I thought I would have a little fun in breaking down qualification criteria a little further.

Expectations (Ex) will vary widely by individual, but I believe the three most common and significant factors are money, people, and script. Money relates to the production budget (Pb), likely simplified with a constant in order to group all movies into 5 or 6 general categories, ranging from the DIY Indie to the obscenely expensive Hollywood blockbuster. The human component, or star power (Sp), refers to the expectations derived from the actors, directors, producers, and anyone else involved with the project. And finally, the script (Sc) factors in the expectations fueled by celebrated screenplays, great source material, or just a cool idea (that last one being a common theme among science fiction and high concept clunkers).

That produces the first part of our equation, which looks something like this:

Ex = Pb (Sp + Sc)

As I alluded to above, when it comes to a bad movie, it seems necessary to account for two special cases of “bad.” Let’s call the first one the Cult Factor (Cu), where a movie will gain standing based on either attaining camp status (insert your favorite horror movie here), or being so-bad-it’s-good/funny (Mortal Kombat anyone?).

Of course, the primary factor, and starting point, for our calculation is overall quality (Q) on an objective scale (inasmuch as that is possible). Combining all these factors together brings us to the final Stinker Rating (SR) (which I renamed without using the word “bomb” so that All the President’s Men do not tap my phone line). Here is the final equation:

SR = Pb · (Sp + Sc)
Q

Below are just a few of my nominees to get the ball rolling. But once again, I am mostly interested in the opinions of the esteemed Babblog audience, so please make liberal use of the comments section.

Biggest Stinkers of 2005
Sahara
The Island
Fantastic Four
Kicking and Screaming

Biggest Stinkers of All-Time
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Waterworld
Independence Day
The Grudge
Godzilla
Van Helsing
Batman & Robin
Both of the sequels to The Matrix

Along with being a regular contributor to the Voices of Reason, Vance also moonlights as a photographer. Some of his work can be viewed at SmugMug. He can be reached at vance.macdonald@gmail.com.