Survivor: Panama, Exile Island, Episode #0--The Preview

Survivor: Panama, Exile Island,
Episode #0—The Preview
by Brenda McAlice

Ok, so I am not your normal Survivor reporter. I understand that you’ve had a good dose of Survivor articles from Rick Sitler, or "bouncing baby Rick," as Brant calls him, due to a video clip Rick sent him of his baby bouncing in a Johnny Jump-up (or whatever they’re called) and laughing hysterically. Anyway, I understand that some of you may be loyal to Rick and his very funny Survivor recounts from the Vanuatu season. Hopefully you will be willing to accept a new writer’s style and endure a new season of Survivor.

Quite frankly, things are not looking good for you poor readers. This season is destined to be very, very bad. “Why do you say that, Brenda?” you may be asking yourself. Well, this season it was not enough for CBS to go to some remote tropical island. No, clearly with so many seasons already under their belt, the folks at CBS thought they might need to shake things up a bit more to keep people interested. We Americans tend to have attention deficiencies and are prone to bore quickly, and thus CBS decided to add to our experience by creating Survivor: Panama, Exile Island. Bah bah bahhhhh!

So, here’s the gist of it. There will be four tribes instead of two. They will be separated into tribes based on age and sex (older men, older women, younger men and younger women). At first I was REALLY disappointed by this, as it means that there is much less of a chance of sex or attraction between survivors happening before the tribes merge. I thought that CBS would probably lose at least 50% of its male audience right off the bat.

Then it hit me—all the young, hot chicks will be on the same tribe and therefore them must be an opportunity for some girl-on-girl action!!! CBS is ingenious! They may have quadrupled their male audience and added a new lesbian audience simply by playing on the possibility of some hot, lipstick-lesbian action. Nice work, CBS!

The big, bad EXILE ISLAND part is still somewhat unclear at this point. I do know that each week at least one Survivor will be banished to a separate island that is miles away from their original camp. I don’t know if they stay there the rest of the game, the rest of the day, or forever. They might still be there now, for all I know. I also don’t really understand yet whether this exile is in place of Tribal Council or in addition to it. I am pretty sure that Jeff P. will explain it all to me and the rest of America on Thursday, February 2 at 8pm (7 pm here in the Mountain Time zone). I’ll make sure to share this information with you in my Survivor: Episode 1 recap next week. I am sure you are all dying to hear more about this Exile Island and its purpose to the game.

So here is a quick run-down of the Survivors and my picks for first voted off and the ultimate winner (which will change weekly as the winner that I choose gets voted off, much to my chagrin, and I am forced to pick a new one).

Aras—a 24 year old Lithuanian hotty who teaches yoga. I am pretty sure this makes him gay. His hobbies include meditation, golf and surfing, in case you were interested.
Austin—a 24 year old “established author”—really, who is established in anything at 24 years old? He supplements his income by modeling for print and commercial advertising. I think this guy might be full of himself. And incidentally, I hate the name Austin. Sorry if any of you or your brothers, children, friends, etc. are named Austin. Not sorry to be offensive, sorry that you/they are named Austin.
Bobby—a 32 year old lawyer who grew up in South Central Los Angeles, where he lost three friends over the years to gunshot wounds. OMG, is this really part of this guy’s bio? Bobby is currently single and living in Los Angeles with his dogs, Bolo and Dog. Who names their dog Dog? This guy might be one of the first few booted. Oh, and it’s not clear yet whether at 32 he is going to be part of the old group or the young group. What a culture we live in if 32 is old.
Bruce—a 58 year old Japanese-American karate and art instructor who grew up in Los Angeles. The dude is a fifth-degree black belt in karate and has taught more than 7,000 students over about 40 years. I predict that he will kick some ass. I also predict that 58 means “old.”
Cirie Fields (any relation to Mrs. Fields?)—A 35 year old registered nurse with a crooked smile. She currently works as an operating room nurse. She swims regularly. I predict that she will not drown in Panama. She believes she will be the Sole Survivor because people love her cute, smiling personality. Let’s just see if her fellow island mates and Jeff agree with that.
Courtney—a 32 year old performance artist from D.C. “working with others to collaborate and create theatrical shows that include music, fire, trapeze, stilts and a myriad of circus arts.” She teaches fire dancing. I predict that she will teach her tribe to fire dance while wearing a tutu and burst into flames somewhere between Episodes 4 and 6.
Dan—a 52 year old retired astronaut from Massachusetts who spends his time building robots. Dan is a white man who looks a lot older than his 58 year old Japanese tribe-mate. I continue to be jealous of the young-looking skin and apparent lack of aging in the Asian DNA. Can someone please come up with a way to bottle and sell it, preferably before I am 30?
Danielle—a 24 year old medical sales rep who appears to be quite attractive. She worked with the Ford Modeling Agency, participating in fashion shows in the Boston area. She never shies away from a discussion on the New England Patriots or the Boston Red Sox, but is weary of mice nibbling cheese curds in her sock drawer. I predict that she will build a runway and hold a fashion show once the tribes merge.
Melinda—a 32 year old singer from Tennessee who is probably a republican. After college, she entertained at Six Flags over Georgia for two years. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t disclose that in my bio if I were her. Her hobbies include creative home decorating, collecting Marilyn Monroe memorabilia, watching CBS soap operas and jogging. Nice plug for CBS, Melinda. Is that what got you picked for the show?
Misty—a 24 year old engineer. I’ll bet that you’re surprised that with a name like Misty she is from Georgia and now lives in Texas. At least she might have a brain if she’s an engineer. She was Miss Texas Teen USA 1999. I rescind my comment about having a brain. But she’s hot, so maybe she’ll do well.
Nick—a 25 year old financial sales rep from Wyoming who is currently working as a waiter while he awaits word on his law school applications. Why isn’t he repping sales in the meantime if he’s a sales rep? He wants to be on Survivor so he can travel, learn about himself in a difficult situation and meet smart, beautiful women. Boooww chicka wooow woooooow!
Ruth Marie Milliman—what an awful name. She's a 48 year old who is wearing pigtails in her bio picture. She is a director of retail leasing and I predict that her wearing pigtails at 48 years old, along with her name, will land her on the chopping block in the first episode.
Sally—a 27 year old social worker who is also wearing pigtails in her picture. 27 is a much more acceptable age for pigtails. “Survivor and The Amaxing Race are the television shows Schumann never misses. A huge Survivor fan, she has applied for the show a total of five times.” Brown-noser. Sally recently went through a divorce and is currently dating her best friend. She currently works as a waitress and bartender. WTF? Is she a social worker or a bartender? Is “social worker” the new PC term for a bartender? I guess it makes sense. Either that, or she's a liar. I predict she will win the whole thing with her skills in brown-nosing and lying.
Shane—a 35 year old owner of a marketing company from Nebraska, living in LA. Shane "believes he can be the Sole Survivor because of his unmatched communication skills.” Ummmm, he’s a guy. If anyone has “unmatched communication skills,” she’s going to be female. “He believes he is a physical threat and has the ability to manipulate people and not have them be resentful.” Now that sounds more like a guy!
Terry—a 48 year old retired airline and fighter pilot from Jersey who, again, looks older than the Japanese guy a decade older than him. Damn it, let’s bottle this stuff already! In high school, Terry played the school mascot Fuzzy the Bear, whose costume he used often to get into various forbidden places like the girls’ locker room, the teachers’ lounge and many of the local pubs.
Tina—a 45 year old logging sports promoter. What the hell is that? This chick has some really big 80’s hair, and is from Wisconsin. She owns the World Champion Lumberjills, "Chics with Axes," a traveling group of female lumberjacks. Is there a fetish audience for Chics with Axes? I do feel a little bad for her, though. Her only child, Charlie, 16, was killed in an auto accident one week before she was expected to leave. I can’t believe she still went. My prediction is that she’ll be an emotional basket case and be out of it in the first five eliminations.

If you would like to learn more about these twits and ninnies and see their various features, click here. See you all next week!

Brenda can be reached at brenda@babblog.com.