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Recently,
I browsed the "2 for $20 Previously Viewed DVDs"
rack at Blockbuster, my favorite place to buy DVD's.
As usual, there was a surplus of "straight to video"
selections, but also as usual, there were a few films that
I had heard of that I might actually want to see.
Alongside Kill Bill Vol. 1, Master and Commander,
and Timeline was The Cooler, starring
William H.Macy (Boogie Nights, Fargo).
I thought, "Perfect! Just the way to get psyched
for my upcoming trip to Vegas!"
I
should have known better. Credited along with Macy and Maria Bello
(Coyote Ugly) was a Baldwin Brother. Though Alec is
arguably the best choice out of the three (I'm not even counting Brother Daniel
as an option), it's kind of like saying there is a best type of hepatitis to contract.
None of the choices are ones you look forward to. Strike one.
Next,
I was nearly distraught when I learned that "the
Cooler" refers to Bernie Lootz (Macy), the unluckiest
man alive. His bad luck is so contagious that
longtime "friend" and owner of the Golden
Shangri La Casino, Shelly Kaplow (Baldwin) employs Lootz
to turn tables "cold," thereby securing the
casino's take. Problem #1: In my years of working
in casinos, I have always referred to the term "cooler"
as being a stacked blackjack shoe. It's a way
to cheat the casino. I thought, "The
Cooler! Sweet! Right before I go to
Vegas, I'll get pumped watching a film about a guy who
takes down the casinos!" Now I know.
I should have just watched Ocean's 11 for the
43rd time. Strike two.
Problem
#2, also related to my years in the casino industry,
is that I don't believe in luck, at least not as a predictor
of future results. This film is based entirely
on the premise that luck is real. Lootz's bad
luck works like a charm: he goes to the roulette
table, the ball stops on double zero, everyone loses;
he goes to the craps table, the high roller craps out,
everyone loses; he goes to the blackjack table, the
dealer makes a six-card 21, everyone loses. Everyone
loses. All the time. Luck like that only
exists in the movies, so if I thought that this film
would be a depiction of the real Las Vegas (which I
did), then I would be sorely disappointed (which I was).
Luck: I just don't buy it. Strike three.
Sit down, Meat.
Now
I know why The Cooler was riding the pine bench
that makes up the Blockbuster 2 for $20 rack.
Regardless, I watched the film, all the while waiting
to find out what Lootz's secret was. Waiting to
find out that Lootz was scamming Kaplow the whole time,
or something cool like that. I'm still waiting.
As it turns out, it was just luck the whole time.
Lootz made the casino win whenever he walked the floor,
until he fell in love with a cocktail waitress named
Nataile (Bello). Then, as bad as his luck was
before, it was now good. Then bad when she left
him. Then good when she came back. It turned
out to be a sappy love story.
The
movie could have been redeemed by Baldwin as the hard-nosed,
badass casino executive, but I have to disagree with
the Academy: he did not deserve the nomination for Best
Supporting Actor that he got for this flick. Apparently,
he didn't watch Casino, Goodfellas
or The Godfather, Part II
(or any Mafia movie, for that matter) in his preparation
for this role. He violated the #1 rule of Mafia-esque
movie bosses: Leave the dirty work to the cronies. Kaplow
is merely a thug who got lucky. And luck doesn't exist.
The
one shining light of the film (aside from Bello's nude
body) was Larry Sokolov, a young, up-and-coming casino
exec played by Ron Livingston (Office Space).
Livingston's performance nicely countered the dense,
old-school Kaplow. He was smart, he knew the business,
and he wasn't entrenched in Kaplow's sentimentality.
And he didn't violate the #1 rule.
In
the end, Lootz and Natalie luckily escape certain death.
I was hoping that they would die. Just to prove
that luck doesn't exist.
Oliver
Butterick can be reached at oliver@babblog.com.
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