Babblog’s Fussball Rootilizer Algorithm

By Jeff Lewis

Because the US doesn’t have an historic presence in international soccer, it hasn’t developed significant rivalries, apart from our friend to the south, who it is hard to really root against, with us being hermanos and all. In many World Cup matches it is hard to figure out who to root for sometimes, since we haven’t been invaded in 180-odd years, or been on the losing end of imperialism, or had a sheep-infested island that we forgot existed attacked, or lost in a heartbreaking manner in the World Cup finals.

For example, if Portugal plays the Netherlands or Switzerland play the Ukraine, who do you root for? Most Europeans would have a knee-jerk response, based on 1000 years of history, or a recent European Championship result, but Americans don’t have that. And as Americans, we don’t have the constitution to sit through a nil-nil draw decided by penalty kicks, so with your happiness in mind, the Babblog spectator strategy staff has created the following algorithm to help you determine who to root for in the upcoming World Cup matches. We guarantee will enhance your World Cup experience, unless Italy goes deep into the tournament, in which case, we can’t help you.

To use the algorithm, answer the following questions about the two participants in a given match:

Did you have a flag of either country tattooed on your person either purposefully or accidentally? If so, root for that country. If you have flags of both countries on your person, choose the one that is a) more visible, b) less blotchy, or c) up-to-date (see number 5).
Were any of your grandparents born in either country? If so, support this country. In case of a tie, choose the nation of the grandparent with a) fingers broken while goalkeeping, b) the first name with the most characters not found on an English language keyboard, b) the most extravagant facial hair.
Are you a citizen of this country? If yes, root for this country, unless you are currently feeling sheepish about your country’s cultural imperialism; if so continue to #4.
Have you had a large swath of your body hair removed for hygienic and aesthetic reasons? If so, proceed to #13.
If the fans of one of the teams waive the Confederate flag when playing an African nation, do not root for this team (i.e. Spain).
If you have spent enough time in one of the countries that the smell of diesel fuel makes you salivate for fried street food, support this nation.
Is taro a primary staple crop? If so, do its fans look good while wearing silly hats? If so, proceed to #12. If not, continue to #8.
Have you or do you plan to father or give birth to a child from either nation? In case of a tie, choose the nation with the best legs.
Has one of the nations committed or profited from genocide recently? If so root for the other team, unless the other team is satisfied with a nil-nil draw, decided by penalty kicks, in which case you should continue with #10.
Are national team’s fans prone to tossing urine on opposing teams (this rules out most nations with the notable exceptions of the United States—since the Raider Nation doesn’t have a presence at World Cup fixtures—and the alcohol free nations: Tunisia, Saudi Arabia and Iran).
Does the team have more than two players with squirrelly mullet tails, highlights (excluding blorange) or greater than seven players with writing on their forearms? If so, root for the other team.
Do the fans of the team have good rhythm? If so, does the team show class during post-goal celebrations? OK, this is a trick question: there aren’t any goals.
Cheer for Brazil. You can’t go wrong.

Jeff can be reached at jeff@babblog.com.