Survivor: Panama, Exile Island, Episode #3--Barely Worth Watching

Survivor: Panama, Exile Island, Episode #3—
Barely Worth Watching
by Brenda McAlice

I hate Survivor. Or at least today I do, as I approach being well over a week late with this recap. My notes pages on this episode went from an average of four or five down to two. Lucky for you, that means that the article size is also about half the size of normal. The title of this post says it all—the show last week was barely worth watching. The skinny on what happened is that Misty got the boot. That’s three women in a row. She was originally part of the young women’s team, so at least that was a change. Other than that, the whole episode seemed so tired and predictable, with one exception—there was a challenge with full body contact, and the contestants got mean. Curious? Read on.

It was a rough start to me watching Survivor. The tape that it was recorded on had gone from house to house and then sat in the car for about three days before I actually got around to watching it. There was a tape mix-up, where I got an interesting mix of a previous Survivor episode from last season, a snippet of a Bronco game from earlier this season, and a quick peek at a Battlestar Galactica episode from last week. I finally got the right tape, and reluctantly sat down to watch.

A-eeee-oooo-aa-ooo-a-oooo-a-ahhhhhhhhhh. Heyy- eeee-oooo-aa-ooo-a-oooo-a-ahhhhhhhhhh.

The Most Important Person on the Whole Island

The opening scene had Bruce returning from his stay at Exile Island to his new tribe, from which Melinda had just been kicked off. Bruce didn’t take the time to stand back and get a clue about the politics of the group. Instead, he just butted right in, became immediately bossy, and proceeded to tell the team that it was their lucky day and that they had just gotten “the most important person on the whole island” to join their team. How he avoided getting instantaneously mutilated by the tribe or resident tapirs, I am amazed.

The only person who even seemed the least bit put off by it was Shane, who seemed to resent the bossiness. The rest of the tribe ate it up, once again proving that the majority of these people would agree that two plus two is seven if you just offered them that information as fact. I thought for sure that Bruce’s blatant arrogance would cause him to be waxed-off the island for good, but it was quite the opposite.

Cool Challenge Music (oh, and a Challenge)

Survivor always has such cool, climactic music preceding the challenges. I wonder if there is some type of CD soundtrack for that, or if I could find it on iTunes? If I could get ahold of that music, I would immediately start going to the gym regularly and practice boxing ala Rocky Balboa. I’m telling you, that’s all it would take.

Anyway, the tribes convened for the challenge. Jeff asked a few stupid questions, and Bruce’s tribe revealed how much of an asset he is to his team, gushing about all his skills and how he’s boosted the team’s morale. The camera quickly panned away to an earlier scene of Bruce telling one of the interview cameras, “They bought it.” It appears that his team did indeed buy it.

Pigtails looked like a total mess. The woman didn’t have any weight on her to spare coming into the game, and the days without food or much water are visibly wearing on her. She no longer looked like a MILF, but rather a MILTPITH, or mother I’d like to put in the hospital. Dan the Astronaut still looked gaunt and pale. I think he may actually be sick. Either that, or one of his personal items brought to the island was a bulk sized tub of SPF 50.

The actual challenge consisted of a large-sized slingshot mechanism, where one Survivor shot large balls out to their team, who stood on a balance beam out in the water, waiting to catch the launched balls. A few people got wet, and a few people got pissy, and in the end, the Casaya tribe lost, and found out that not only did the winning team get cantines, tarps, blankets and pillows, but also got to decide who from Casaya would be going to Exile Island. After very little deliberation, the La Mina team told Bruce that he had to go back to Exile Island. He was obviously too valuable to the team, and the La Mina team wanted Casaya to go into the immunity challenge weak. I think Bruce got what was coming to him.

Sensuality Back at Camp

Back at camp, Misty decided to get physical with the younger guys, whoring out massages like a hooker in the red light district. Austin and Nick ate it up, probably knowing all along that they were voting her off next and wanting to absorb everything that they could out of her before that happened. Misty told the camera crew, “I would flirt to help get ahead. I didn't come out here to sit on my rump. I came out here to have a good time and play the game." Ummm, Misty, I think you got USED.

Rain, rain, go away

Back at La Mina, the winning team put up their tarp just in time for the downpour. They stayed nice and dry while Bruce was miserable back at Exile Island, griping that he’d been on the island longer than he’d been with any tribe. Maybe if he’d been smarter and kept his bossy, arrogant mouth shut, he’d have been better off. Back at Bruce’s camp, the morale was at an all-time low. Courtney and Shane argued about moving a pot around on the fire, and Shane again went off the deep end, ranting about a stump that he wanted to be his alone, and throwing a total fit when the other tribe members jokingly asked him to share it. I am pretty sure that Shane is insane, thus his new name, Inshane.

Full Contact

The next part of the episode was a Survivor best for me. It involved full contact, ultra violent wrestling as the Immunity Challenge. Go, CBS! In the challenge, teams faced off against each other two or three at a time, running out to a sandpit, digging for a bag, and then attempting to be the first person with that bag to touch a designated “home base” with at least some part of the body touching both the bag and the home base. Things got brutal fast, as Pigtails wrapped her legs around Danielle’s waist and Danielle threw her violently on to the ground, Pigtails taking Danielle’s top down with her and forcing CBS to bust out the blurry dots. Those haven’t come out since Cirie’s exposure in the first week!

Bye Bye Misty!

After a lot of sand in the face, bumps, and bruised egos, the La Mina tribe fell to the Casayans. Dejected, back at camp the boys club convened to decide which chick to boot off. Pigtails was one option, as she was a weakling and looked like death warmed over. Misty was the second option. The men were frightened of a female engineer’s ability to outsmart them later on, and the massages were just not enough to keep Misty there. In the end, Sally and Misty voted for Pigtails, but Misty got the ax.

In her Febreez Family Moment, the camera showed her family from a distance, and I was hard pressed to figure out where the hell Misty came from. Her family was all quite overweight and unattractive. Maybe she is the milkman’s baby? How’s that for a family moment?

Next time on Survivor

Courtney the Brain-Dead Fire Dancer and Inshane challenge
each other to a duel and both die simultaneously, having fired
at the exact same time. Courtney dances her way into the fires
of hell. Jeff turns out to be the provider of both pistols.
Cirie feels threatened by Danielle’s previous week’s breast exposure and subsequent blurring, and roams naked on the
beach trying to capture the attention of the union cameratapirs.
Dan the Anemic Astronaut reveals that he is indeed an
albino wombat.
Pigtails slips away into thin air.
Bobby takes a dump in the tribes water supply, christening it
“Bobby Soup.”

Brenda can be reached at brenda@babblog.com.