Survivor: Panama, Exile Island, Episodes 4 & 5--Tired and True

Survivor: Panama, Exile Island,
Episodes 4 & 5—Tired and True
by Brenda McAlice

I thought this season was going to be different. I thought that Exile Island might shake things up a bit. I hoped that Jeff would change his persona a little, or that the challenge engineers would get more creative. Thus far in to season twelve, I am disappointed to say that none of these things have happened. Each episode and each season blends into another. The music, the challenges, even the people seem the same. I am very, very sad to report that this may be my last season of watching Survivor. I will, however, stay true to my journalistic duty to report the happenings of the show to you fine readers through the end of this season. I know the demand for this type of recap is extremely high, and I don’t want to disappoint you in the same way that CBS and Jeff Probst have disappointed me.

Because I am about two weeks behind (see above for reason to my apparent lack of motivation), I am recapping both Episodes Four and Five this week. They’re basically the same, anyway. I am differentiating the episodes with colors—blue for Episode Four rants and green for Episode Five. The color coding may very well be the most entertaining thing about this article, or at least it might keep you on your toes.

So, here it goes:

A-eeee-oooo-aa-ooo-a-oooo-a-ahhhhhhhhhh. Heyy- eeee-oooo-aa-ooo-a-oooo-a-ahhhhhhhhhh.

In Episode Four, we FINALLY get to say good bye to Pigtails. I only had to wait four episodes to be right. For those of you who did not see the preview article, here is what I had to say about her. “Ruth Marie Milliman—what an awful name—is a 48 year old who is wearing pigtails in her bio picture. She is a director of retail leasing and I predict that her wearing pigtails at 48 years old, along with her name, will land her on the chopping block in the first episode.”

I will now light Pigtails on fire. The quick and dirty of Episode Four is that Pigtails’ team lost both the reward and immunity challenges. Terry, the team’s leader, got sent to Exile Island and ended up finding the Immunity Idol, guaranteeing him immunity if he should ever land on the chopping block at tribal council. Upon the loss of the immunity challenge, Terry’s old boys club opted to vote off Pigtails rather than Sally, as she was about to disappear into thin air and they picked her as the weakest link. Pigtails pleaded her case, saying she was very loyal and that’s why they should keep her. No one is loyal on Survivor. It is about a million dollars, not loyalty. Obviously Terry and the boys realized this, because she did end up being kicked off.

In Episode Five, we got to say good bye to Bobby the Brother. Bobby was a real crappy guy, both literally and figuratively. He spent part of Episode Four crapping in his tribe’s newly won “Casa de Charmin,” a pit toilet and shower combination that the team (excluding Bobby) had agreed to use to store food and clothing to keep them dry. Bobby turned out to be a completely lazy ass wipe. He spent most of the time on the island (at least what the cameras showed) sleeping. In this episode, he snuck a bottle of wine that was supposed to be shared amongst the tribe and drank the bottle himself (with Bruce’s help) while sleeping in the outhouse for the night. He clearly deserved to be voted out, and when the vote came down to him and Bruce, he was the one to go.

Bobby's main contribution was staying out of his team's way. Here was my initial take on the guy: “Bobby—a 32-year old lawyer who grew up in South Central Los Angeles, where he lost three friends over the years to gunshot wounds. OMG—is this really part of this guy’s bio? Bobby is currently single and living in Los Angeles with his dogs, Bolo and Dog. Who names their dog Dog? This guy might be one of the first few booted. Oh, and it’s not clear yet whether at 32 he is going to be part of the old group or the young group. What a culture we live in if 32 is old.”

Now that you have the quick and dirty of Episodes Four and Five, here are my issues and rants for the weeks:

If you ever miss an episode of Survivor, never fear. The beginning of the episode recaps every moment of the previous week that was actually worth watching. I wonder why they don’t just cut the show down to two minutes, and make the two minute recap that actual episode. That would definitely help decrease my time in front of the TV. The other thirty minutes are just boring filler, anyway.
There are far, far too many snakes shown in Survivor. They are used as symbols for everything that is Survivor—the danger of the area they are in, the conniving, snakelike behavior of the players. They are edited in everywhere. I think that they may be cut in between every “scene.” It’s ridiculous. For more information on real dangers of venomous snakes in Panama, click here.
Why do these people, season after season, make alliances so early on? Aras took time out to bitch about being in an alliance with a bunch of crazy lunatics. Well, he is in an alliance with a bunch of crazy lunatics. HE CHOSE THEM! Don’t be dumb, people. Wait a few days to see who you are dealing with before you seal a deal with the devil.

I can’t even differentiate one episode from another anymore because the challenges are all the freaking same. Maybe CBS should hire some new engineers. The Army Corps of Engineers would probably do a fine job constructing challenge courses, and they’d stay directly in synch with CBS’s environmental goal to terrorize any environment in which they chose to film the show.
Survivor is a good weight loss program, but most of them are too vain or dumb to realize it. Cirie (Mrs. Fields granddaughter) is losing weight, as are the rest of the Survivors. However, most of them came in without an ounce to lose—they were either close to or were too thin before they ever set foot on the island. I completely understand not wanting to go on national television with an extra 10-15 lbs on your body, since the camera supposedly already adds 10 lbs. But be smart, people! This is a million dollars up for grabs! If you’ve watched even one season, you know that meals are going to be few and far between. Keep the extra ten pounds to make yourself more likely to stay strong.
Sally, Sally, Sally. What are you wearing? Why the soccer socks with the bikini? Why? This is the second episode in which you’ve worn this goofy looking ensemble. You are a cute girl, but I remain very confused about your fashion sense. Do you have a brother or boyfriend who makes socks? Are you advertising the socks to the viewers? What is the story?
Speaking of advertising, one of the things that have gone the most south on the show is the constant use of product placement and direct corporate advertising. Episode Four showed the pit toilet with several rolls of Charmin toilet paper. Weekly we are forced to watch the Febreze Family Moment BS, and when food comes into the picture as a reward, you can bet that Pringles will continue their relentless product placement in the show.
At the end of Episode Five, Jeff gave his typical Jerry Springer-esque lecture after the tribe voted off Bobby. He said something to the tune of, “Well, I can clearly tell that after tonight’s vote you are a tribe both united and divided. Take some time to think about what you can do to keep in this game, blah, blah, blah.” In a classic moment of Survivor comedy, Inshane gave Jeff the best “we can see right through your retarded, philosophical bullshit, Jeff” look ever captured on the show. I am surprised that Probst let it stay in during editing.
Danielle finally appeared in the show and showed enough personality to deserve a nickname. She is a total princess, so from here on in she will be known as Princess. Brant was watching with me and said, “I know exactly what kind of person she is. She is one of those people who thinks she knows a man’s and a woman’s role in society. She expects the guy to buy dinner. She expects to be treated like a princess.” Indeed she does. She had perhaps the biggest problem with Bobby and railed to get him voted out because “he is not a gentleman at all.”

Well, that’s all for now. I need to get to the grocery store. I am out of Pringles, Charmin and Febreze and I need to stock up immediately.

Next time on Survivor

Inshane lets the ladies on the tribe bury him in the sand as some fun midmorning entertainment. Inshane is left there, stuck in the sand while hide tide comes in, drowning and cussing up a storm. The ladies laugh it up back at camp while roasting marshmallows.
A band of violent, venomous snakes takes hostages at the La Mina camp, making demands that more mice and other small rodents be released on to the island for a more satisfying variety to the snakes’ diet.
Sally gets a hole in one of her socks and decides it will now better serve as a fishing net.
Danielle the Princess receives a tiara in the mail, realizing only after putting it on that the combs have been tipped with poison. No one confesses to the murder, but packing peanuts and shipping tape are found at Bobby’s residence in LA.
Several tribe members get food poisoning from eating Pringles, causing them to immediately be pulled from the pool of corporate advertisers.

Brenda can be reached at brenda@babblog.com.