All Animals Attack All Humans: Waves 2-4

All Animals Attack All Humans: Waves 2-4
by Jeff Lewis

As I discussed in my analysis of Wave 1, in which All Animals Attack All Humans, the prevailing characteristic would be denial. It turns out that Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's five-stage thanatological theory, so popular with armchair and television psychiatrists, applies to All Animals v. All Humans, as well. Accordingly, Wave 2 is characterized by anger.

At some point, denial will not be an option.

Wave 2: Anger

Though anger is a much better survival trait in pan-species warfare than denial—pretty much everything is—it leads All Humans into some inefficient battlefield techniques, such as:

Card-carrying NRA families empty the chambers of their 9mm on a single fawn, while behind them the rest of the herd prepares a deadly charge.
Diners, in response to thumbs being clamped down upon, smash crabs past recognition. Result: buttery hands attract scullery cats, who inflict cat scratch fever. Some are not saddened by the fact that Ted Nugent dies in this manner.
Unwise mobs of vigilantes plunge into the woods at night with shotguns and pitchforks after the owls that ate little Bobby. Result: mob attacked by 20,000 rabid bats.

Rabid bats trump anger.

Wave 3: Bargaining

All Humans resort to bargaining with the beasts in Wave 3, briefly coercing a truce from the canines, at least until supplies of Snausages run low. Ditto with the sea lions and mackerels. Apart from these minor, temporary success, bargaining proved about as effective as Chamberlain's circa 1939, so world leaders switch to Plan B: persuade Orlando Bloom to drop 25 pounds, grow out his hair and drag his Legolas costume out of storage. Along with Jonathan Rhys-Davies, Billy Boyd, Andy Serkis—finally free of performance capture technology—and a Viggo Mortensen look-alike named Aragorn Stryyder, Bloom forms a rag-tag band of champions that rids the Rocky Mountains of wolves and balrogs, which were unknown to science until their discovery by the band's scientist, which—unsurprisingly—was Jeff Goldblum. The Rocky Mountain balrog, now extinct, is classified as sindarin valarauko americanus.

Wave 4: Depression

All Humans seriously damage their survival chances in Wave 4 by plunging into the depths of a collective depression. With so much meat product available from the carnage, obesity rates skyrocket. Unbeknownst to consumers, mixed-rodent sausages hit the market under the trade name Skwee Rolls. Fortunately for humans, they prove to be perfect bite-sized snacks that can be stored in the mini-fridge/microwave combo next to the bed, allowing people to avoid their kitchens, where 60% of in-home animal attacks occur.

Animals also feel their share of depression in Wave 4, particularly Koko the gorilla and the cognitive research chimps, who had hoped that sharing 98% of their DNA with humans would qualify them as All Human.

North American Mammals v. Celebrity Warriors in Wave 4
A = Animal prevails; H = Human prevails

	Wolverines/ Hugh Jackman	Marmots	Grizz-lies	Goats, mtn.	Goats, farm	Chupa Cabra
Jimmy Smits	A	H	A	A	H	A
Julie Foudy	A	H	A	H	H	A
Steven Sondheim	A	H	A	A	H	A
Eric Bana	?	H	A	H	H	A
MC Ren (1)	H	H	H	H	H	A
Lisa Ling	A	A	A	A	A	A
Andy Roddick	A	H	A	A	H	A
Stephen Colbert	A	H	A	H	H	A
Gillian Anderson	A	A	A	A	A	M
Dr. Phil	A	H	H	H	A	A
Michael "Brownie" Brown (2)	A	A	A	A	A	A
Joe Camel (3)	A	H	H	A	H	A

To whom an uzi is a M***** F****** tool
Not doing a fine job
Technically neither man nor animal, but serving as a mercenary for the All Human army

Jeff can be reached at jeff@babblog.com.