Survivor: Vanuatu, Episode #7 Tally the Votes

Survivor: Vanuatu, Episode #7—Tally the Votes
by Rick Sliter

All I know is that last night would have been a lot more interesting if reality TV hosts were involved...Instead of having Wolf Blitzer, or Tom Brokaw, or Peter Jennings, or that freaky Fox dude, why not ask Jeff and Chris and hell, The Donald to take the stage?

Here's the scene: Jeff, in a three pocket shirt, fancy necklace, and sleeves rolled up, begins: "Once the votes are read the decision is final. The person with the most votes will receive the electoral college points immediately. If you think you can sue to get a recount, Mark Burnett and I will kick your ass. Don't mess with us--just ask that Restaurant guy Rocco and see how his life is going right now. Now, I'll read the votes..."

Chris is responsible for the commercials: "Coming up, Nebraska. See if Kerry leaves broken hearted as the Cornhuskers seem to have fallen for W. Stay tuned for the most dramatic electoral college announcement yet!"

When Jeff reads the results of all the states and is left with only one state, Chris would jump in. Fortunately, Chris knows exactly when an event is down to one final thing. Where would we be without his kind reminders? "Senator, President, there is one state left. Now, it's only Alaska, but it does have three points. Jeff, please make your final announcement." Finally, Donald would say one word, then immediately go to voice over. He makes Ashlee Simpson's performances look real.

So, in San Diego, we have a three way race for Mayor, which is currently 33%, 32%, and 34%. No joke. Even better, the third candidate is a write-in. Since they don't know exactly whom the write-ins are for, "Write-In Candidate" is currently leading the race. Why are two Republicans competing against each other here? Will San Diego implode if a Democrat--a Democrat without a name, mind you--wins? I look forward to the insanity...

On to Survivor. If you're actually reading this, you must be a close friend, or a member of the family, cause I've been a slacker. TOTAL slacker. There are several reasons--1) I'm very sick, 2) I'm working a ton, 3) we're buying a house, 4) I'm worried about my fantasy teams, 5) the baby is on the way, and oh yeah, 6) this season has sucked. Repetitive challenges and a lack of interesting people has made this quite dull. They aren't suffering some terrible hardship (I'm surprised Mark hasn't changed this yet), and the game has been played so much that the moves are now quite predictable. I hate to admit it, but I'd rather watch The Amazing Race, or even (gasp!) The Apprentice (well designed, even if it has jumped the shark) or The Bachelor (which validates my desire to stay married forever cause apparently all attractive single women are crazy). In a moment of disgust a few weeks ago, I stated something about not writing my next update until the Red Sox won the World Series. Oops. Now, I just need something to do instead of watch CNN. (Random note, and this is no joke--I encouraged Carlos Watson, future star of CNN, to get into television. When he makes his zillions sitting there next to Larry King and Wolf Blitzer, I'm going to sue for a royalty fee.)

Without further ado, here we go!

Actually, never mind. You have to go here first if you watch The Apprentice.

Yes, let's all pay for the "dating secrets learned while on The Apprentice." Epic.

Lopevi, Day 16

Everybody starts the day by gathering wood. Everyone, except for John, who is taking a nap. John, who is a mechanical bull operator on the Sunset strip, indicates that he is tired and bored. This leads to the typical disdain by the worker bees, such as Chris and Chad. This is how we're creating tension for the tribe? Can't Twila and Chris have fights over which one is the better Highway Construction Worker?

We then head over to Yasur 2 (Electric Boogaloo), where Rory is pretending to meditate. Pretending, cause he's just moving from one random moment to the next, hoping he'll come off as some crazy, dangerous, yet sincere and supportive member of the tribe. Basically, he's just there until the women can vote him out (he surprisingly wasn't voted out last week, as you can read in the update from...oh, never mind). Rory immediately tries to get an alliance going with Ami and Leann, and tries to get out Eliza; when this fails, he is then determined to burn the tribe down. This isn't a joke. Someone didn't take the psychology assessment before traveling! He let's us know that if he gets voted off, the Yasur tribe will burn. Insurance premiums for Survivor just went up. And the rates continue to go up as we see Twila in that horrific one-piece bathing suit.

It's challenge time!

JPFU: 3 pocket shirt, brown; sleeves rolled up so far they are up past his biceps. Here is the challenge--carry a small amount of coconut juice through an obstacle course, and then fill up a jug at the end of the course with that juice. Once the jug is filled up, that team wins. Once again, the producers phoned it in and used a challenge from a prior season. What are we playing for? Nothing but the finest in product placements--a Home Cafe brought to you by Folgers--a coffee machine, some foods to snack on, coffee mugs to keep, and some letters from home.

Sarge sits out the challenge, and we begin with John vs. Eliza. Eliza does well, allowing Leann to go next. Leann is tall and lanky, making her movements quite awkward. She also has a terrible sunburn on her breast--not that I was looking or anything. Chad does well for Lopevi, and gets them to a lead. The challenge continues; one thing of note is that Scout immediately throws her coconut juice out, passing up her turn. Always good to know your weaknesses. The music goes from "drama style" to "crazy dramatic finale" style, so we know the end is close. Leann works faster than Julie, and Yasur wins the Folgers (of course, she makes two crazy mistakes on the way back--first, she walks back without the jug, and second, even with a huge lead, she starts to run, and trips over herself, almost spilling all the juice. Somehow, this team of "idiots" comes back from 3-0 in challenges and wins the reward!

Commercial #1:

Real Commercial! Guess what the first commercial was? If you said an ad for Folgers' Home Cafe coffee machine, you'd be right! Now you too can get paid outrageous money by working in an advertising agency thinking of the painfully obvious.

Well, it's good to know that Ashlee Simpson and I have something in common (that is, something besides a hatred of Jessica Simpson)--severe acid reflux. I remember the other day when it was so bad I had to lip sync my staff meeting, but my assistant totally screwed up the tape, so I fled the building (after doing a little hoedown, of course).

And we're back!

Here we are at the Home Cafe. If you haven't eaten much food in the past 19 days, what could be better for your stomach than several cups of coffee? Ami, who works in a coffee shop (as a "Barista," presumably at a place that rhymes with "Marbucks"), gets a reward that recreates life a in a coffee shop. I'm sure she was thrilled. The tribe members walk in to a bulletin board filled with pictures of the tribe members, their families, etc. Insert touchy emotional moment here. Combine with a shot of the Home Cafe coffee system, and you're all set. For extra emphasis, send letters from home that reflect nothing but historical tragedies. Ami is broken up, reliving the experience of her younger brother getting killed in a car accident seven years ago. I don't mean to make light of the situation, but I find it quite manipulative. This creates rule #265 for Survivor--family members, when writing letters to you from home, can't talk about anything negative or tragic; instead they should send you a list of reminders for how to win the game (without food for 20 days, you're likely to forget; a letter could help you keep focused), or at least how to make fire. Rory tries to morph into the sensitive, wise tribe member, spouting something off to Ami about loss and perspective, but I kind of zoned out. I'm still reeling from the fact that Scout also plays on a different team, the same team as Ami (though they do not play in the same division). Rory admits that he won't burn the house down, but does admit that he's still playing the game at all times. He's carrying an extra ace up his sleeve, so look out!

Scene change with volcanic explosion, followed by a day change.

We're now at Lopevi, where Twila and Julie, the two "women" of the tribe. Julie plays this pretty well, and basically gets Twila to admit that the men approached her about being a Final 4 candidate. Julie played it off that she too was offered the same deal, thus driving Twila away from the men and into an alliance with Julie. Props to Julie! She even acknowledges that the two are strange allies, and I couldn't agree more.

Commercial Break #2

Well, this thing is headed to the courts. I've been to Ohio a few times recently, and I'm not really comfortable allowing them to decide the entire election. For 2008, how about we all move to one of the 4 or 5 important swing states for four months, so we can actually play a part in the election?

And we're back!

It's a beautiful Day #18 over at Lopevi, and it's time for tree mail. Blah blah blah, rhymes with other things, blah blah blah. Tree mail comes with a slingshot. The tribes start to practice how to use the slingshot. Lea (Sarge) boldly predicts that the Lopevi tribe will easily win. John K admits that "now, the game is strictly a game-based game." Years of riding mechanical bulls helped contribute to that statement. Both John and Rory feel that if they lose, they're gone.

JPFU: 3 pocket shirt, blue. Eliza looks longingly at Jeff. The immunity challenge is a slingshot test (been there, done that). Each time you break a tile, that tile corresponds to a shooter on your team. Get rid of all the tiles, and your team wins. Of course, the strategy is to shoot at the tiles that represent your weakest shooter; eliminating them first will give your stronger shooters more attempts. This simple concept is lost on both tribes.

The challenge begins. Rory is very strong; Julie is not. Eliza should stick with pre-law; John helps his own cause, as does Ami (isn't she great?!). Scout eliminates Leann (though she was hitting her shots); Rory is "on fire," according to JP; he hasn't missed yet, and now eliminates Ami. Rory continues to shoot well, and locks up the victory for Yasur. Whoa, what a funky pair of sunglasses for Jeff! Yasur now has immunity, keeping Rory here for at least a few more days. John looks away in disgust, worried that he is gone.

Commercial #3:

Pringles just presented "a moment in Survivor history." It involved Shawn and Pascal, "an unlikely combination, just like Pringles Salt and Vinegar." I think I'm ill...

Wait, okay, let's see, giant movie preview, lots of fighting, and then...

ALEXANDER, BE REAS-ON-ABLE!

(P.S. I liked this movie the first time, when it was called Braveheart.)

(P.P.S. I liked this movie the second time, when it was called Gladiator.)

(P.P.P.S. I didn't like this movie the third time, when it was called Troy.)

And we're back!

Ooh, scary bat. Yasur celebrates, with a cup of coffee! Rory claims that he rocked Ami (he feels that Ami tried to eliminate him from the game, but failed). If this is true, props to Ami. The women should have tanked the challenge; lost and eliminated Rory, which would give them a majority of women in the future event of a merge.

Chris and Chad meet to discuss who to eliminate, which isn't exactly a Mensa meeting. With 6 members, there are 4 men and 2 women. If they get rid of Twila or Julie, then you've got 5 men and 5 women. Get rid of John, and you're in trouble--4 men (Chris, Chad, Sarge, and Rory) against six women. This should be obvious. John tries to make a power play, and lobbies to get Chad out--due to the sympathy vote. He feels that since Chad has only one leg, he'll always get the favorable sympathy votes. Wow, this game is evil. John tries to rally Twila, cause he believes that "rough rednecks are loyal."

Tribal Council

Not much to the conversation...Lopevi has now lost two challenges in a row; Chris discusses that the group works hard and is a team; John discusses that Twila is a great asset, and that he should take more naps. He then admits that he is a slacker. And we go to the votes:

We see John vote for Chad, but nothing else. This is not good for John, and certainly not good for the men, who are now down 4-6 and facing a possible merge of the tribes.

Jeff goes to tally the votes. And with six precincts reporting, we can declare a loser:

John K, you are the eighth person voted off of Survivor.

Next Time on Survivor:

Rory goes insane again, and there appears to be a merge. John's final words are wishing Chris encouragement, and for everyone else to lose. Classy man, that bull riding operator.

And with that, we're done. Tune in, well, sometime, for the next installment.

Rick can be reached at rick@babblog.com.