All
I know is that last night would have been a lot more
interesting if reality TV hosts were involved...Instead
of having Wolf Blitzer, or Tom Brokaw, or Peter Jennings,
or that freaky Fox dude, why not ask Jeff and Chris
and hell, The Donald to take the stage?
Here's
the scene: Jeff, in a three pocket shirt, fancy
necklace, and sleeves rolled up, begins: "Once
the votes are read the decision is final. The
person with the most votes will receive the electoral
college points immediately. If you think you can
sue to get a recount, Mark Burnett and I will kick your
ass. Don't mess with us--just ask that Restaurant
guy Rocco and see how his life is going right now.
Now, I'll read the votes..."
Chris
is responsible for the commercials: "Coming
up, Nebraska. See if Kerry leaves broken hearted
as the Cornhuskers seem to have fallen for W.
Stay tuned for the most dramatic electoral college announcement
yet!"
When
Jeff reads the results of all the states and is left
with only one state, Chris would jump in. Fortunately,
Chris knows exactly when an event is down to one final
thing. Where would we be without his kind reminders?
"Senator, President, there is one state left.
Now, it's only Alaska, but it does have three points.
Jeff, please make your final announcement."
Finally, Donald would say one word, then immediately
go to voice over. He makes Ashlee Simpson's performances
look real.
So,
in San Diego, we have a three way race for Mayor, which
is currently 33%, 32%, and 34%. No joke. Even better,
the third candidate is a write-in. Since they don't
know exactly whom the write-ins are for, "Write-In
Candidate" is currently leading the race. Why are
two Republicans competing against each other here? Will
San Diego implode if a Democrat--a Democrat without
a name, mind you--wins? I look forward to the insanity...
On
to Survivor. If you're actually reading
this, you must be a close friend, or a member of the
family, cause I've been a slacker. TOTAL slacker.
There are several reasons--1) I'm very sick, 2) I'm
working a ton, 3) we're buying a house, 4) I'm worried
about my fantasy teams, 5) the baby is on the way, and
oh yeah, 6) this season has sucked. Repetitive
challenges and a lack of interesting people has made
this quite dull. They aren't suffering some terrible
hardship (I'm surprised Mark hasn't changed this yet),
and the game has been played so much that the moves
are now quite predictable. I hate to admit it,
but I'd rather watch The Amazing Race, or even
(gasp!) The Apprentice (well designed, even
if it has jumped the shark) or The Bachelor
(which validates my desire to stay married forever cause
apparently all attractive single women are crazy).
In a moment of disgust a few weeks ago, I stated something
about not writing my next update until the Red Sox won
the World Series. Oops. Now, I just need
something to do instead of watch CNN. (Random
note, and this is no joke--I encouraged Carlos Watson,
future star of CNN, to get into television. When
he makes his zillions sitting there next to Larry King
and Wolf Blitzer, I'm going to sue for a royalty fee.)
Without
further ado, here we go!
Actually,
never mind. You have to go here
first if you watch The Apprentice.
Yes,
let's all pay for the "dating secrets learned while
on The Apprentice." Epic.
Lopevi,
Day 16
Everybody
starts the day by gathering wood. Everyone, except for
John, who is taking a nap. John, who is a mechanical
bull operator on the Sunset strip, indicates that he
is tired and bored. This leads to the typical disdain
by the worker bees, such as Chris and Chad. This is
how we're creating tension for the tribe? Can't Twila
and Chris have fights over which one is the better Highway
Construction Worker?
We
then head over to Yasur 2 (Electric Boogaloo), where
Rory is pretending to meditate. Pretending, cause he's
just moving from one random moment to the next, hoping
he'll come off as some crazy, dangerous, yet sincere
and supportive member of the tribe. Basically, he's
just there until the women can vote him out (he surprisingly
wasn't voted out last week, as you can read in the update
from...oh, never mind). Rory immediately tries to get
an alliance going with Ami and Leann, and tries to get
out Eliza; when this fails, he is then determined to
burn the tribe down. This isn't a joke. Someone didn't
take the psychology assessment before traveling! He
let's us know that if he gets voted off, the Yasur tribe
will burn. Insurance premiums for Survivor
just went up. And
the rates continue to go up as we see Twila in that
horrific one-piece bathing suit.
It's
challenge time!
JPFU:
3 pocket shirt, brown; sleeves rolled up so far they
are up past his biceps. Here is the challenge--carry
a small amount of coconut juice through an obstacle
course, and then fill up a jug at the end of the course
with that juice. Once the jug is filled up, that
team wins. Once again, the producers phoned it
in and used a challenge from a prior season. What
are we playing for? Nothing but the finest in
product placements--a Home Cafe brought to you by Folgers--a
coffee machine, some foods to snack on, coffee mugs
to keep, and some letters from home.
Sarge
sits out the challenge, and we begin with John vs. Eliza.
Eliza does well, allowing Leann to go next. Leann
is tall and lanky, making her movements quite awkward.
She also has a terrible sunburn on her breast--not that
I was looking or anything. Chad does well for
Lopevi, and gets them to a lead. The challenge
continues; one thing of note is that Scout immediately
throws her coconut juice out, passing up her turn.
Always good to know your weaknesses. The music
goes from "drama style" to "crazy dramatic
finale" style, so we know the end is close.
Leann works faster than Julie, and Yasur wins the Folgers
(of course, she makes two crazy mistakes on the way
back--first, she walks back without the jug, and second,
even with a huge lead, she starts to run, and trips
over herself, almost spilling all the juice. Somehow,
this team of "idiots" comes back from 3-0
in challenges and wins the reward!
Commercial
#1:
Real
Commercial! Guess what the first commercial was?
If you said an ad for Folgers' Home Cafe coffee machine,
you'd be right! Now you too can get paid outrageous
money by working in an advertising agency thinking of
the painfully obvious.
Well,
it's good to know that Ashlee Simpson and I have something
in common (that is, something besides a hatred of Jessica
Simpson)--severe acid reflux. I remember the other day
when it was so bad I had to lip sync my staff meeting,
but my assistant totally screwed up the tape, so I fled
the building (after doing a little hoedown, of course).
And
we're back!
Here
we are at the Home Cafe. If you haven't eaten much food
in the past 19 days, what could be better for your stomach
than several cups of coffee? Ami, who works in a coffee
shop (as a "Barista," presumably at a place
that rhymes with "Marbucks"), gets a reward
that recreates life a in a coffee shop. I'm sure she
was thrilled. The tribe members walk in to a bulletin
board filled with pictures of the tribe members, their
families, etc. Insert touchy emotional moment here.
Combine with a shot of the Home Cafe coffee system,
and you're all set. For extra emphasis, send letters
from home that reflect nothing but historical tragedies.
Ami is broken up, reliving the experience of her younger
brother getting killed in a car accident seven years
ago. I don't mean to make light of the situation, but
I find it quite manipulative. This creates rule #265
for Survivor--family members, when writing
letters to you from home, can't talk about anything
negative or tragic; instead they should send you a list
of reminders for how to win the game (without food for
20 days, you're likely to forget; a letter could help
you keep focused), or at least how to make fire. Rory
tries to morph into the sensitive, wise tribe member,
spouting something off to Ami about loss and perspective,
but I kind of zoned out. I'm still reeling from the
fact that Scout also plays on a different team, the
same team as Ami (though they do not play in the same
division). Rory admits that he won't burn the house
down, but does admit that he's still playing the game
at all times. He's carrying an extra ace up his sleeve,
so look out!
Scene
change with volcanic explosion, followed by a day change.
We're
now at Lopevi, where Twila and Julie, the two "women"
of the tribe. Julie plays this pretty well, and basically
gets Twila to admit that the men approached her about
being a Final 4 candidate. Julie played it off that
she too was offered the same deal, thus driving Twila
away from the men and into an alliance with Julie. Props
to Julie! She even acknowledges that the two are strange
allies, and I couldn't agree more.
Commercial
Break #2
Well,
this thing is headed to the courts. I've been
to Ohio a few times recently, and I'm not really comfortable
allowing them to decide the entire election. For
2008, how about we all move to one of the 4 or 5 important
swing states for four months, so we can actually play
a part in the election?
And
we're back!
It's
a beautiful Day #18 over at Lopevi, and it's time for
tree mail. Blah blah blah, rhymes with other things,
blah blah blah. Tree mail comes with a slingshot.
The tribes start to practice how to use the slingshot.
Lea (Sarge) boldly predicts that the Lopevi tribe will
easily win. John K admits that "now, the
game is strictly a game-based game." Years
of riding mechanical bulls helped contribute to that
statement. Both John and Rory feel that if they
lose, they're gone.
JPFU:
3 pocket shirt, blue. Eliza looks longingly at
Jeff. The immunity challenge is a slingshot test
(been there, done that). Each time you break a
tile, that tile corresponds to a shooter on your team.
Get rid of all the tiles, and your team wins.
Of course, the strategy is to shoot at the tiles that
represent your weakest shooter; eliminating them first
will give your stronger shooters more attempts.
This simple concept is lost on both tribes.
The
challenge begins. Rory is very strong; Julie is
not. Eliza should stick with pre-law; John helps
his own cause, as does Ami (isn't she great?!).
Scout eliminates Leann (though she was hitting her shots);
Rory is "on fire," according to JP; he hasn't
missed yet, and now eliminates Ami. Rory continues
to shoot well, and locks up the victory for Yasur.
Whoa, what a funky pair of sunglasses for Jeff!
Yasur now has immunity, keeping Rory here for at least
a few more days. John looks away in disgust, worried
that he is gone.
Commercial
#3:
Pringles
just presented "a moment in Survivor history."
It involved Shawn and Pascal, "an unlikely combination,
just like Pringles Salt and Vinegar." I think
I'm ill...
Wait,
okay, let's see, giant movie preview, lots of fighting,
and then...
ALEXANDER,
BE REAS-ON-ABLE!
(P.S.
I liked this movie the first time, when it was called
Braveheart.)
(P.P.S.
I liked this movie the second time, when it was called
Gladiator.)
(P.P.P.S.
I didn't like this movie the third time, when it was
called Troy.)
And
we're back!
Ooh,
scary bat. Yasur celebrates, with a cup of coffee!
Rory claims that he rocked Ami (he feels that Ami tried
to eliminate him from the game, but failed). If
this is true, props to Ami. The women should have
tanked the challenge; lost and eliminated Rory, which
would give them a majority of women in the future event
of a merge.
Chris
and Chad meet to discuss who to eliminate, which isn't exactly
a Mensa meeting. With 6 members, there are 4 men and
2 women. If they get rid of Twila or Julie, then you've
got 5 men and 5 women. Get rid of John, and you're in trouble--4
men (Chris, Chad, Sarge, and Rory) against six women.
This should be obvious. John tries to make a power
play, and lobbies to get Chad out--due to the sympathy vote.
He feels that since Chad has only one leg, he'll always
get the favorable sympathy votes. Wow, this game is
evil. John tries to rally Twila, cause he believes
that "rough rednecks are loyal."
Tribal
Council
Not
much to the conversation...Lopevi has now lost two challenges
in a row; Chris discusses that the group works hard
and is a team; John discusses that Twila is a great
asset, and that he should take more naps. He then
admits that he is a slacker. And we go to the
votes:
We
see John vote for Chad, but nothing else. This
is not good for John, and certainly not good for the
men, who are now down 4-6 and facing a possible merge
of the tribes.
Jeff
goes to tally the votes. And with six precincts reporting,
we can declare a loser:
John
K, you are the eighth person voted off of Survivor.
Next
Time on Survivor:
Rory
goes insane again, and there appears to be a merge.
John's final words are wishing Chris encouragement,
and for everyone else to lose. Classy man, that
bull riding operator.
And
with that, we're done. Tune in, well, sometime, for
the next installment.
Rick
can be reached at rick@babblog.com.
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