Cinematic Allergies

Cinematic Allergies
by Jeff Lewis

Apologies to most of these actors, some of whom are fine ones, or anyone who likes any of them. These are my personal allergies, and like my reaction to cats and grass, are systemic and virtually uncontrollable. In some cases, with the right treatment, however, I can manage the symptoms.

Note: This list only contains actors whose movies I have seen and does not count possible allergies, like Ashton Kutcher.

Universal antidotes: Morgan Freeman, James Garner

Here they are, in no particular order:

Kevin Bacon
Let me make this clear: I have absolutely nothing against Kevin Bacon, who seems to be a charming man and a solid actor, but his risky role-choices poisoned him in my eyes, because I have never quite recovered from seeing his sadistic prison guard pedophile character in Sleepers. Thinking of it makes me so very sad.

Antidote: Tom Hanks. I know that Brant and some other Babblog contributors are not high on Apollo 13, but I loved it, and it is the one Kevin Bacon role that can put Sleepers at least temporarily out of my mind.

Brad Pitt
The bottom line here is that I simply do not like watching Brad Pitt act. It gives me no joy, though I’m not sure why. His roles are cocky, but then again, so are most of George Clooney’s, whom I consistently enjoy.

Antidote: Spanish overdubbing. I thought Brad Pitt was phenomenal in the Spanish-language version of A River Runs Through It. That seems to indicate that the problem lies in Mr. Pitt’s voice.

Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey’s sense of humor just doesn’t match with my own, so I stay well clear of him, even to the point of passing on A Series of Unfortunate Events, which is one of my favorite children’s book series.

Antidote: Kate Winslet and Charlie Kaufman. I thought Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was great, and even managed to enjoy Jim Carrey’s performance.

Gwyneth Paltrow
I think my disdain for Paltrow stems from my disappointment when she beat out Cate Blanchett—marvelous, simply marvelous—for the Academy Award. I’ve only seen two Paltrow movies, so I can’t really comment on whether or not she is a good actor.

Antidote: Wes Anderson. She was not bad in The Royal Tenenbaums.

Tom Sizemore
I cannot stand looking at this man, partially because he represents for me one of the biggest failings in my life: through events too complex to describe, I had to sit through Natural Born Killers three times in the movie theater. It’s more than that, though. Tom Sizemore is hands-down my least favorite actor, because he has this aura that makes it seem like he really would enjoy doing the horrible things that his characters are wont to do.

Antidote: Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg. He was passable in Saving Private Ryan.

Nicole Kidman
I don’t watch her movies, so my only exposure to her is in interviews. She oogs me out—she seems like she’s on the verge of turning into another Michael Jackson, although I realize that this is a little harsh. However, WORST PROSTHETIC NOSE EVER!

Antidote: No known cure.

Antonio Banderas
I once saw a picture of Antonio Banderas on the beach in the Riviera, wearing a shiny gold thong. Enough said.

Antidote: Tom Hanks. I thought he was pretty good in Philadelphia.

Keanu Reeves
His delivery is too comical to take seriously, but unlike Christopher Walken, he can’t seem to figure out a way to use it to his advantage, except as Ted. I’ve never been able to give him the benefit of the doubt after his role in Dracula.

Antidote: George Carlin. Reeves is well-suited for parodies.

Martin Scorsese
I don’t like watching people’s eyes pop out, and I can never trust Scorsese to keep the violence to a minimum. Plus, those eyebrows…

Antidote: Jodie Foster

Sylvester Stallone
Perhaps no actor has a poorer understanding of his acting boundaries, a fact proven by his attempt to reprise a role made famous by Michael Caine.

Antidote: The turtles Cuff and Link, and Burgess Meredith. I still love Rocky, sappy as it may be. It’s amazing that Stallone could have written such a great script and then come up with such dreck in the ensuing 30 years.

Kevin Costner
Costner is hit and miss. Normally, his delivery bothers me, but when he gets a baseball in his hand, it’s a different matter altogether, and Lynn assures me that Dances With Wolves is a good movie.

Antidote: “Baseball, Ray” (as well as, “Young girls, they do get wooly").

Robert Downey Jr.
I view drug addiction as a sickness, not a weakness, but come on, Downey! Didn’t you learn from Less Than Zero?

Antidote: Charlie Chaplin

Jeff can be reached at jeff@babblog.com.