On The Road, Leg 4: The Final Frontier

On The Road, Leg 4: The Final Frontier
by Oliver Butterick

The further East you get in this country, the faster the drive seems to go. First off, there starts to be some diversity of scenery. That always helps. Plus, the states are a lot smaller, so you just feel like you’re making more progress. I’m not sure if the delirium that set in had any effect…

Thursday, 11:00pm (INDIANAPOLIS, IN)

We said a quick hi to Peyton Manning. I’m not sure if he saw us waving from the freeway, but I swear I saw him waving back. On the outskirts of town, we get a call from Matt’s wife. They talk for a few minutes and I hear Matt chuckle and say, “Naw, he’ll probably like it too much.” I shoot him a confused look and upon looking back at the road, I realize that I’m in the far left lane, and HWY 80 is splitting off. I need to be in the far right lane. I do a quick blind-spot check and traverse four lanes, narrowly escaping both a deadly collision with the divider and what was sure to be at least a five to ten minute detour! I look again at Matt and put a finger over my mouth, as if to say “shhh!” Matt, of course, is still on the phone with his wife. Did I mention that we’re driving HER car? Shhh, indeed.

He gets off the phone, we breathe a collective sigh of relief and I ask him about his comment that I overheard, “he’ll probably like it too much.” Matt explained to me that these past few days are the longest he’s been separated from his wife since they got married two years ago. That being the case, his wife had suggested a little, well…, phone-sex. Of course, my external reaction was, “Only if you put her on speaker phone!” But, inside, my stomach turned. You see, Matt and I have been close friends for 20 years. He might as well be my brother, I’ve known him so long. Thinking of him having any kind of sex, phone or otherwise, is just a picture that I don’t want in my head. It’s like thinking about my parents having sex or my baby sister, who just had a baby of her own. Ewww. Next topic!

Friday, 12:00am (Somewhere in Indiana)

We stop for gas and a pick-me-up. Matt’s pumping the gas and I grab a Mountain Dew. Right as I get out the door, I realize that I picked up a “Diet” Mountain Dew. What the hell? DIET Mountain Dew??? So you’re telling me that people actually drink this crap for its taste??? It’s like making non-alcoholic Jagermeister. Why would anyone want to do that? So, I promptly exchange my drink for a regular Mountain Dew and it’s back to the road.

Friday, 3:00am (outside COLUMBUS, OH)

We’re driving and driving, making great time, and we stop to get some gas. We talk briefly about driving through the night and getting to DC in the morning, and I start getting very, very sleepy. So, we decide to call it a night and get a room at the luxurious Knight’s Inn. What a hell-hole this place is, but, hey, their sign out front advertised free internet, so we figure that we lucked out.

Needless to say, we misread the sign. Apparently, it read “FREE 614 INTERNET,” which, upon leaving, we figured to mean that you were allowed to make one free local call to an ISP. No wireless network. We tried hacking into the “Flying J” wireless network across the street, but Matt must have slept through that class.

Friday, 12:00pm (COLUMBUS, OH)

We wake up, get on the road, and stop for some lunch at a Subway. Not my favorite place, but at least their sandwiches are a thousand times better than they were ten years ago. I order my sandwich with everything on it, including Pepperoncinis, which gives me a strange stare from the “Sandwich Artist.” At first, she thinks I mean Bell Peppers, and then I settle for some Jalapenos. Dorothy, we’re not in California any more.

Friday, 6:00pm (BOWIE, MD)

We finally reach our destination and go out for a bite and a beer. We get to Matt’s friend’s house and hang out there for a few hours, waiting for everyone to get home. Then, it happens. The Puerto Rican Princess arrives.

What the hell was I thinking? I mean, sure, she’s cute. But she’s a LITTLE GIRL! I don’t know… maybe 29 isn’t too old to go chasing after 20-year-old coeds, but it was then that I realized that I have no interest in doing so. What a buzzkill. Not that I thought that anything REALLY was going to happen, but it was an entertaining little fantasy to help the drive go by more quickly. Maybe I should find a 35-year-old MILF.

Present Time (LA MIRADA, CA)

I went on this trip a few months ago. Since then, I have dated a 35-year-old MILF. (No, I wasn’t really looking to meet one, but I found it funny that there was a 15-year age difference between these two women.) Anyhow, it didn’t work out. So, back to the drawing board. I guess I should narrow my dating pool to the 21-34 age range…

The End.

Oliver Butterick can be reached at oliver@babblog.com.