A
criminal investigation has been launched to find the
whereabouts of the Episode 3 write-up. Investigators
believe the lost pages could be found somewhere in Jacksonville,
Florida, or Las Vegas, Nevada--common sites for the
author over the past 8 days. Of course, one skeptical
investigator thinks that the 'lost write-up' is really
a strategic plot for the author to later profit on the
'lost episode' concept, years after he has reached his
writing fame and then squandered all of his fortune...
Speaking
of investigations, it's time to start enjoying the local
news previews! "Martha Stewart in jail...Tonight
at 11."
Before
we begin, this is the week of birthdays. Not to go all
Entertainment Tonight on you all, but, celebrating a
birthday this week: Marty (6th), Ziad (7th), Julie (10th),
Gabby (11th), and Kendra (12th). And yes, those are
days of the month, not ages, though I am shooting for
a younger audience.
Let's
begin! 14 are left. Who will be voted out tonight?!
Yasur,
Night #7
The
women walk back from tribal council, and here's a shocker--the
women are fighting! Eliza is stunned--stunned!--that
a woman who gave her word would actually break ranks
with her alliance and vote for someone else. Thank goodness
Eliza has never acted in that way. Oh, wait. Remember
Dolly?
So
the bickering begins, and Eliza sets a new record for
hypocritical arguments. Eliza states that Lisa cannot
be trusted, since she changed her vote. Lisa states
that she was never really with the young girls (you
see, most of Lisa is old, only certain parts of her
are new). The yelling continues, and that hurts the
feelings of our touchy-feely gang. Scout doesn't enjoy
the 'polluted environment' and goes to bed. Twila encourages
the team to be men--I mean, beat the men. And Eliza
finds Lisa repulsive. I do too, but for entirely different
reasons. (I am rooting for Lisa to make it to the finals,
so she can surpass Heidi in the 'worst view of someone
losing 35 pounds yet having horrible plastic surgery'
category.)
Shots
of Bats!
Lopevi,
Day #8
Rory
was scared of getting three votes last night. Chris
is convinced that it is a numbers game with the four
older men, and as long as they stay the course, they'll
be fine. John K can't understand why the good-looking
young guys, with great personalities, are getting voted
off. He's frustrated that the "fat dudes"
are running the show. Of course, while the young guys
are arguing about how gifted they are athletically,
a coconut drops straight on their heads.
Brady
decides that his best move is to establish himself as
an invaluable member of the team--and the only thing
he thinks he can do to help himself is to catch lots
and lots of fish.
Brady
is not Rupert. He's not even Lex. At least he doesn't
lose or break the sling. He catches two incredibly small
fish, and I don't think anyone is thinking "Damn,
we cannot lose Brady." Brady and John K are trying
to find an angle with the "Fab 5," which really
isn't an appropriate name for this group.
Volcano!!
Tree
mail. Here is my brain while they read the tree
mail: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Seriously, can't
Mark Burnett spice this up a bit? I would like
to see a tribe member start to read the clue, then be
immediately replaced by the Donald Trump voiceover voice
that finishes the rest of the message. (Is it possible for
Trump speak more than 10 words without having to go
to tape? Tonight, after saying 'Hello', he immediately
went to tape; fantastic speaker that Donald...) Eliza
starts to read the clue; it appears to be a memory game,
and Bob Barker is very excited. I'm not sure if they
do memory games on The Price Is Right, but
boy, is Travis/Bubba/Bob excited! ("I am so friggin
good at this.") The women believe that the presence
of a rainbow means that they will win (somehow, I also
think they believe that the rainbow only appeared on
their side of the island, because, you know, rainbows
are kind of hard to see).
We
get to the challenge, with the obligatory 'C'mon on
in you guys'...time to get a look at the new Yasur...
But I digress.
Jeff
Probst Fashion Update!: 3 pocket shirt, blue; right
sleeve rolled up much higher (Jeff trying to show off)
his right biceps.
Yasur,
how is life in camp? Scout--"Life could be
better if we could get some food." Lopevi?
Brady--"The fish are small, but we're doing the
best we can."
The
challenge is a very simple memory test--a basic game
of concentration. Pair up 5 matching items (there
are 15 matching items on the board) and you win.
The winner? Wanna know what you are playing for?
You're playing for Da. Da is not a new marketing
product from Crest; Da is a human being. Apparently
one that very much understands the land. Da is
a "rock star," according to Jeff Probst, which means
I can now sue JP. I call people rock stars, okay?
Not you, buddy. Lay off my catchphrases and no
one gets hurt.
Da
is a star because he can find food, catch food, cook
food, build shelter, and make life there much more comfortable.
But he can't speak English, so that may be interesting.
So we're playing for a human, which in Vanuatu means
that the tribe just may decide to eat him. Here is the
game:
Bubba
gets to the 10th item before a repetitive item appears;
Ami immediately gets a match. Brady gets a new item,
and then a second grapefruit. Eliza pounces on it, and
the women are now up 2-0. Eliza, nice grapefruits! Chris
reveals a shrimp trap as his second pick, and thus Julie
gets the match. Yasur up 3-0, and the domination continues.
John finds a repetitive piece, but inexplicably, Jon
fails to find the original piece, revealing the second
wooden pig. Leann (what's with the spelling this season?)
gets the match. Now 4-0. Sarge--I mean Lea--gets the
men's first match with a wooden peg. Twila fails to
get a match she should have. I think she just spit out
blood. Chad picks up on her mistake and gets it--now
4-2. The music tells us that Lisa is going to win. Does
she get the shell? Yes, and Yasur wins the reward? Jeff
awards Da to the ladies, but Da has his own way of getting
to the island (by water).
Commercial
Break #1
Forget
my list of Top 5 Crazy People. The list is now filled
by every mom that has been on Wife Swap. Three
shows, and at least three (but probably 4) women that
are unbelievably crazy. If you haven't seen it yet,
come watch the insanity.
And
why is The Bachelor almost completely unwatchable
at this point. When you reach back to the point
where you're brining on losers from Bachelor 2
and Bachelor 4 (scary Mary!), you're just about
ready to see Fonzi on water skis...
And
we're back!
Da
arrives via boat. He is like MacGyver, only he isn't
annoying.
Before
I talk about Da, what is with Twila's hair? Did she
get a perm? Did the tribe actually encourage her to
'act girly' and let someone braid her hair? Is it weird
that I'm worried about this?
Back
to Da. Eliza is very excited to have Da.
My guess is that Da won't promise Eliza that he's going
to vote with her, and then turn his back on her at Tribal
Council! Da is about as talkative as Julie, which
is a compliment to Julie, cause she is following rule
#23 of Survivor very well (shut up for the
first 9 days).
In
about 10 minutes, Da finds more food then the group
has found in a week. A sampling: first, he climbs up
a tree and knocks down 100 coconuts, then teaches the
women how to open them. Then, he walks by, pulls up
some roots, and starts to eat them. Next, he shows them
where sugar cane is. Finally, he cooks a gourmet meal
that defeats Iron Chef Kinichi at Kitchen Stadium using
today's special ingredient--dirt! (I may have made that last part up.)
Da
rules. Da do do do, da da da da--I mean, that's all
I want to say to you...
See
what good happens when you let a man run the tribe?
:-)
Nature
shot, and back to Lopevi:
Hunger
must be setting in, because here is what we hear from
Travis: "Bubba gettin tired of plantains."
You know you're going insane when you refer to yourself
in the third person (exception: you're an athlete) AND
you call your third-person self your nickname. SlyT-Dog
is getting sleepy writing this update!!
Rory,
who is now wearing his buff to appeal more to the Little
Red Riding Hood crowd, decides to give Travis advice
on how to calm down. This works well....in
Bizarro Survivor.
Bubba
basically misses his family, stating, "I'm from the
country, and every meal is a celebration. My biggest
concern is how my family doin'--are they missing their
dad--of course they are." If he were to state this
correctly, it would have been "Bubba's family miss
Bubba real bad, real bad."
Sarge
and Rory keep fighting, and Bubba is tired of it. There's
not much harmony on the team, and the 'young athletic
studs but not that studly or else we would have been
voted off earlier' guys are figuring out how to play
off Lea and Rory and Travis.
Meanwhile,
Da is kicking some ass, making a comfortable bed out
of bamboo. He also stopped a terrorist plot by building
a bomb out of peanut butter and a gum wrapper. Nope,
that was MacGyver. But Da could throw the smack down
on MacGyver...
Next,
Da made some torches at night and went crab hunting.
Scout was touched by the cross-cultural experience and
the bonding nature of the team. I was touched
by how much Scout is out of touch with this game.
As Day 9 begins, he starts collecting some crabs.
As he says goodbye, Eliza is surprised how emotionally
attached she was to Da. As Da leaves, something
very weird happens--the women, led by Lisa, start to
sing some sort of prayer song. This singing is
really making me uncomfortable. Seriously, what
the hell was that? I'd rather have them read tree
mail all day...
Even
more scary, are Ami and Twila hugging in the background?
What is going on here? I know that Ami likes women,
so why is she hugging Twila? I'm very confused here.
Commercial
#2
Number
of the week: $87,400.
Know
what that is? That is Sammy Sosa's salary, which he lost
when he decided to leave work early on his last day
on the job. Apparently, his boss hasn't been very nice
to him lately, largely because Sammy's productivity
has dropped off at the office. So Sammy packs up his
bags and goes on vacation while still on the clock because
he thinks his boss is a meanie. Now he's filed a grievance
to get his precious salary back. I know I couldn't live
without $87,400, so I wish him all the best.
Fun
Fact #1: Oh, by the way, that's Sammy Sosa's per game
salary, not annual, not monthly; sometimes, not daily.
Fun
Fact #2: Sammy gets paid to go to work 162 times a year.
This year, he showed up only around 100 times, but still
got paid for his 62 sick days.
Fun
Fact #3: If I made $14,158,800 a year without bonuses,
I could commit to staying until the end of my shift. So
if anyone out there wants to make me an offer, please
email me.
Before
we're back...
"Is
a dose of El Nino in the cards for San Diego? Tonight
at 11."
And
we're back!
Day
10--Crabs everywhere.
Rory
has no idea how to use the Hawaiian sling, but decides
to go fishing. I'd like to predict that Rory loses this
thing or breaks it within five minutes.
Brady
sees this, and is trying to shake things up a little
bit. He tries to convince Sarge that Rory will be around
forever, cause he won't be considered a threat. Brady
does his best, but who knows if you can mess with a
man named Lea that is pronounced Lee...
Tree
mail--Ami keeps reading it--hey guess what, it rhymed!
We
head to the challenge:
JPFU:
3 pocket shirt, brown.
The
challenge is to solve a tiled puzzle. There are 4 symbols
in 4 different colors. Arrange the tiles so that none
of the same color or symbol is in the same row or column.
Wow, this sounds easy. I would totally do well on this
one. Jeff asks for one member of each team to watch
on the tower, and provide specific instruction to the
team. So who do we have?
Rory?!?!?!?!
And Eliza (who is afraid that the piece will betray
her and vote for someone else).
And
why does Twila need a bathing suit for this non-acquatic
challenge?
First,
both teams start flipping the symbols over. They are
both incredibly passive in getting this thing done.
Now
Rory is a complete idiot! He has no idea what to instruct
Eliza starts off correctly by getting the group to have
a diagonal for the same color, and then adjusts from
there. Rory had absolutely no control over this group.
Whew,
this isn't game theory, but it's close. Here is the
part of the show where Kathleen falls asleep:
So how do you do this? There are many options, but the
fastest way is to get the same color in one diagonal,
and a different color in the other diagonal. That gives
you 8 pieces right away, and you can fill in the rest.
1a
1b 1c 1d
2a 2b 2c 2d
3a 3b 3c 3d
4a 4b 4c 4d
becomes:
1a
2b 3c 4d
2c 1d 4a 3b
3d 4c 1b 2a
4b 3a 2d 1c
Genius!
And the women are, because they dominated. Eliza, a
pre-law student, must have been doing well on her LSATs,
as this type of puzzle is actually an LSAT question.
Okay, Kathleen, wake up...
Commercial
#3
The
men come back, and the older men already start defending
Rory, stating that it would not matter who led the event.
That is complete ______ (insert Dale Earnhart Jr. word
here).
Travis
or Bubba or Bob asks John who John thinks the leader
of the alliance is. John intelligently responds that
Bubba is, but Bubba expresses some frustration that
the leader is Lea, and everyone else must follow. So
what's up with our leader? Well, Lea's background tells
him that you have to keep Brady around, '"for when you
go into battle." I'm not sure when that is, by the way,
but Lea will be ready for it.
Tribal
Council
JPFU:
no change of clothes? What kind of budget are we on
these days? Can we get some more product placement in
here immediately?!
JP:
"Rory, you got no respect today? You led the tribe,
which is odd to me, and even weirder, nobody listened
to you. What's up?" Rory: "I'm scared as hell
right now."
The
remaining questions are pretty standard. Jeff asks the
group about the danger of voting individually too early,
and not playing as a team. I think Chad is going to
be a threat in this thing--he's smart, the ladies will
like him, and he can beat people over the head with
his leg if people misbehave.
Blah
blah blah, and with that, it is time to vote. We see
Rory vote for Brady. He tries to rhyme his goodbye,
but fails. Brady votes for Rory, and that's all we see.
I'll
go tally the votes!
OTVARTDISF;
TPVOWBATLTT-CAI-IRTV:
Brady,
Brady, Rory, Brady, Brady. Goodbye Brady.
If
you're John, do you take solace in the fact that you're
still alive, or that you're the worst of the 'young,
athletic, fun guys that are a threat'? What an insult--not
only are you about to be eliminated, but you're weak
too!
Jeff
gives advice that this strategy could fail early. I
feel a reshuffling coming up very quickly.
Commercial
#4
The
Vanuatu buffs are here!!! Yes!!!
Next
time on Survivor.
People
coming in on a canoe--and yep, here comes the new buffs!
Looks like a trade is in the works. And the island gets
hit with a loud volcano. That looks pretty cool.
Final
comments from Brady:
"Wow,
how much did that suck?" Awesome!! I love it.
We
also see that John voted for Brady--interesting vote
there, you backstabbing kid.
Rick
can be reached at rick@babblog.com.
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