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When
asked whether children recognize him from his role as
Flik in A Bug’s Life, Canadian comedian Dave
Foley said something along the lines of, “No. Children
are surprisingly stupid.” This quote ran through my
head as I yelled at an oblivious ten year-old girl,
who quite possibly was about to get her teeth knocked
out by my wife’s foot.
This
scene occurred in the southern Okanagan Valley, billed
as Canada’s only desert. This vestigial toe of the Sonora
looked like a fraud because of its abundance of water,
but a number of sources confirm that it is an actual
desert. The valley is full of vineyards and a large
lake and during our visit it was humid and rainy. Nonetheless,
amidst the greenery and tourist signs adorned with drawings
of cacti, we did see the stray dry-ish patch, here and
there.
We
chose a hotel on the lake that boasted a 250-foot waterslide.
It was an impressive looking corkscrew slide with a
warning that read, “Caution! This ride can cause serious
injury. Riders must obey all posted rules. THIS IS A
THRILL RIDE.” Only one of the thirteen children in the
pool was following more than half of the posted rules,
which made my inner lifeguard antsy. I was very disappointed
that their parents didn’t enforce the rules, in spite
of occasional collisions, so I will take this opportunity
to list and analyze the eight posted rules, in the hope
that I can alter future waterslide behavior.
Water
Slide Rules and Analysis
1)
This is a thrill ride. Do not ride the slide if
you are pregnant or have a heart condition. This
is sound advice, but the rule is wordy and therefore
should be placed farther down in the list so that slow,
impatient readers have a better chance of reading more
pertinent rules before their minds wander. Also, I think
the rule-makers have damaged their credibility by repeating
the “This is a thrill ride” line. This may cause some
clever children to think that the rules are farcical.
2)
Feet first only down the water slide. The
far wall of this particular water slide is too close
to the chute, making it possible for an efficient, streamlined
rider to strike the wall with force. It’s best, therefore,
to avoid head-to-wall collision by riding feet first
down the slide. Even without the danger of the far wall,
I advise against head first sliding. As I told my wife
when she tried to perpetrate this dangerous maneuver,
“Come on, feet first is fun!”
3)
Wait until the previous rider is clear of the slide
before riding the slide. I would make one small
adjustment to this rule. By changing “clear of the slide”
to “clear of a two-meter radius from the slide.” In
the US, this could say “two-yard radius.” This new wording
might need to be tested by a marketing research group,
in case some children become confused by the term “radius.”
4)
No trains. The theory behind this rule is
sound, but is covered in Rule #3 and therefore repetitive.
Also, it presupposes that the reader knows the slide-riding
connotation of the term “train.” On its own, this rule
may make train-loving children sad—the ones that own
conductor hats that cover their ears and $500 Thomas
the Tank Engine sets—so any specific reference should
be eliminated.
5)
Wait at the bottom of the stairs until the previous
rider exits the slide. This is a more draconian
version of Rule #3. It is a prissy rule that even I
didn’t follow.
6)
Do not wear jewelry or watches. Wearing jewelry
or watches on the slide can cause serious injury.
I like the tone of this rule because the forms of serious
injury are left to the imagination, particularly for
shockingly pierced individuals. This gives slide riders
pause to think about their actions.
7)
After finishing the ride, move immediately to the
side. This is perhaps the most important rule.
More on this rule in a minute.
8)
Riders must be at least 48 inches tall.
There are several problems with this rule. First of
all, savvy, mature children who follow all other rules
can safely ride the water slide, as long as an adult
ensures that subsequent riders follow Rule #3.
It is unfair to rule out slide riders solely based on
height (it's downright heightist, in fact). Also,
in the future, Canadians unfamiliar with the US’s archaic
measurement units may become confused by the reference
to inches. Lastly and most importantly, some riders
under 48 inches may not be able to read, although this
is not necessarily a function of their height.
If the height issue is important to the rule-makers,
they should create a cute mascot that does not infringe
on any cute mascot owned by Walt Disney Company.
This mascot could serve as a visual reference to the
minimum height requirement. A prickly-pear cactus
with a sly grin and an exaggerated wink would be a good
choice to convey the mixture of fun and peril that results
from breaking this rule.
I
was concerned about what would happen when I rode the
THRILL RIDE. My body is massive; my cobra shoulders,
corded thighs and tree-trunk calves could do serious
damage in a watery crash. My concern also arose
because—as my wife is quick to point out—when it comes
to thrill rides, I am a “lame ass scaredy-cat dork.”
When
my wife and I climbed the stairs to the top, I felt
the other adults eye us suspiciously. We’d seen one
other adult briefly ride the slide—a large tattooed
man, who was clearly a former hockey player—but there
seemed to be a tacit agreement that the slide was for
children and if there was colliding to be done, it should
occur between bodies below 60 pounds—27 kilos, if you
will. I imagined myself barreling into the former hockey
player’s daughter, prompting him to pummel me in a very
Canadian way. The massive body, cobra shoulders, et.
al. are not accustomed to this.
Accordingly,
I had my wife make sure that there were no children
near the bottom of the ride. I instructed her to exceed
the two-meter radius—suggested in my comments to Rule
#3—in order to make certain that I wouldn’t endanger
any children. Assured that all was safe, I entered the
slide.
The
slide was dark and twisting. It took a half-dozen
seconds to pass through the 250’ corkscrew before I
catapulted out the bottom. During those six seconds,
I envisioned children making last-second mad dashes
into the mouth of the slide and worried that maybe Lynn
hadn’t noticed that the pudgy teenager had decided to
climb into the chute and up the slide. For me,
this was a THRILL RIDE. I’m a little chagrined
to say, though, that I broke my momentum with my elbows,
causing me to make a pathetic, slow-motion plop when
I exited the slide.
Lynn’s
turn was next: she wanted to go FAST! After she dutifully
waited for me to clear the two-meter radius, she “whooped”
through the corkscrews and shot out of the slide, knifing
through the water to the far wall. After our first rides,
the children seemed to become more squirrelly, perhaps
because we’d infringed on their turf, so I declined
a second run. Lynn was game for more, so I decided to
police the pool for her next trip down.
In
line before her was a pale, milquetoast girl, about
six or seven years old. She was a chronic rule-bender,
who was oblivious to both the letter and spirit of the
posted rules. She may have been the daughter of
the ex-hockey player, but if so, she likely was not
his favorite daughter. Anyway, after exiting the
slide, this young lady feigned movement to the side
of the pool. Seeing the area clear, Lynn decided
to go. After she disappeared down the gut of the
slide, the girl meandered back to the chute and stared
into the shadows.
“Excuse
me. Move please,” I yelled, waiving my well-apportioned
arms at her. This was wholly ineffective, so I countered
with, “Get out of the way. Watch out.” Her eyes were
dull, devoid of any acknowledgement of my cries or the
poor decision-making skills that had led her to stick
her head directly under the chute. There was no flicker
of recognition in her eyes when she abruptly decided
to move, just as Lynn shot out like a torpedo. I know
because I looked carefully. In fact, she didn’t seem
to notice at all that Lynn had almost knocked her silly.
She had the case history of a Rule #7 re-offender.
By
the way, if you stay at a hotel with a water slide,
get up early or ride the slide during lunch or dinner
hours. Make the most of your one advantage over
the children: you don’t have to get out when your
mother says so.
Mr.
Lewis can be reached at jeff@babblog.com.
Copyright
Jeff Lewis, 2004 |
