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With
visions of gumdrops (or, rather, a Harvard coed) dancing
through my head, the remainder of this great trek had
a sense of “what could have been.” Instead of making
stops along the way, we powered through the drive.
Thursday,
1:30pm (KANSAS)
If
it wasn’t apparent already, it is now abundantly clear
that Colby, Kansas is indeed the Oasis on the Plains.
Two hours after leaving said Oasis, we’ve passed absolutely
nothing except plains. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
Well,
that’s not entirely true. We did pass a sign that advertised
the world’s largest prairie dog. No, we didn’t stop.
(Remember? We powered through the rest of the drive!)
Nor did we stop at the sign that beckoned us to see
a five-legged cow and a six-legged steed. WTF are they
putting in the water up there in Kansas??? Hmmm…did
we pass a town called “Springfield?” Surely, creatures
such as these only exist on The Simpsons.
We
also decline to drive through Nebraska, forfeiting the
opportunity to visit the town of my birth (Lincoln)
or the town that is populated almost entirely by my
kinfolk (Omaha). Luckily, I don’t think the internet
has made it out there quite yet, so I’m not too worried
about them learning that I ditched them. I mean, I think
they just got cable TV.
Thursday,
4:30pm (KANSAS CITY, KS and MO)
When
we stopped for gas, I handed over the wheel and relaxed
in the passenger seat. Spending a significant portion
of my adult life in San Diego, Los Angeles, and San
Francisco, I’ve learned several things.
1.
San Diego: Traffic is predictable. In larger cities,
traffic can flow quite manageably most of the day. However,
don’t even think about traveling North through the 5/805
merge during the late afternoon to early evening. It’s
bad.
2.
Los Angeles: Forget what I said about traffic flowing
manageably most of the day. Or being predictable. Whereas
San Diego is fine during the weekends, it seems like
no one in LA has anything better to do on a Saturday
afternoon than sit on the freeway.
3.
San Francisco: Bridges are bottlenecks. So much so that
standstill traffic is a daily ritual. At least in LA,
the traffic moves (most of the time).
Anyone
still wondering why I handed over the wheel as we approached
Kansas City during rush hour, with the plan of crossing
the Mississippi River? Let me just say that we didn’t
look into taking a ferry. Maybe we should have.
So,
you may be asking, “Isn’t the Mississippi River on the
other side of Missouri?” Yes, you would be correct.
Not looking at a map and forgetting somehow that St.
Louis is on the Mississippi, I made that mistake. However,
river or not, it didn’t matter. The traffic in Kansas
City was horrendous. Okay, we went about 15 MPH for
a half hour or so. Not that bad, when compared to SF,
but we had been driving 90 MPH for the previous day
and a half. All of a sudden, it felt like we were actually
driving backwards.
So
I failed Geography. Get over it already.
Thursday,
7:00pm (Approaching ST. LOUIS, MO)
It’s
about dinnertime, and we’re between Kansas City and
St. Louis, so we find a place to get some BBQ ribs.
It looked like a regional chain restaurant, and the
food was served quickly and was finger-licking good
(I’ll take ribs over KFC any day of the week). Do I
remember the name of the restaurant? No. My trip ended
a month and a half ago. I don’t plan on returning there
any time soon. Plus, I keep getting a “Memory Low” message
from my brain, so I just need to delete stuff like that
once in a while. So, if I forget your birthday, don’t
take it personally. I’m running an outdated system here
and they stopped making upgrades.
Thursday,
8:00pm (ST. LOUIS, MO)
Did
I mention earlier that traffic can be unpredictable
and that bridges are bottlenecks??? I thought so. I
forgot to mention the effect of road repair crews on
driving. Let me backtrack (again). When I attended UCSD
in La Jolla, CA, we would often make late night drives
down Miramar Road, just past NAS Miramar (now MCAS Miramar)
to a 24-hour Mexican Restaurant called Alberto’s. It’s
a chain, so look for one near you and try their carne
asada burrito some time. Good stuff.
So,
anyway, we’d drive down Miramar late at night, when
there was always a road crew with bright lights and
big machines. Not that I literally think that these
big machines are going to eat me and my car, but, for
some reason, I’m deathly afraid of them. One time, driving
past the crew, there was a bulldozer that had its claw
extended over the top of my car. Let me just say that
had I not closed my eyes and finished driving past the
site, I’m sure I would have been ingested by the mechanical
mammoth.
Fast
forward back to St. Louis. Bottleneck to the bridge,
compounded by detours. We’re not Chris Tucker and Jackie
Chan and it wasn’t rush hour, but traffic was nearly
at a dead stop. We finally make it to the bridge only
to find a giant jackhammer drilling a hole in the middle
of the bridge. Did I mention my fear of big construction
(or destruction) equipment??? Luckily, I wasn’t driving,
because I don’t think I could have made my way across
the bridge with closed eyes.
So,
we left St. Louis behind us, deciding not to stop and
visit a former classmate of Matt’s who he said I would
find attractive but a little ditsy. I chose not to waste
time on a possible hook-up in the middle of nowhere
when I had my eyes on the prize: a young, intelligent,
Puerto Rican Harvard student who had family living in
the same town that my best friend was moving to. Maybe
I’d have more than one reason to visit Bowie, MD.
To
be concluded…
Oliver
Butterick can be reached at oliver@babblog.com.
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