And
we're back!
Welcome
to Survivor: Vanuatu--Islands of Fire.
Season 9 of the Survivor Franchise is under
way, and when you are a "9," good things are
not likely coming your way. So I don't expect
much this season, and the first episode didn't do much
to raise my spirits. Hopefully, the assistant
who said, "Hey, let's mix it up a little bit--let's
kill a live pig to really start the show!" is now
working on The Restaurant 3--The Foreclosure.
So with all that said, let's get it started.
And
yes, this is late. Get used to it. I blame
Pete Rose...and the hurricanes...and Dave Matthews,
who I apparently hung out with last weekend in Vegas
(long story).
Jeff
Probst dramatic entrance: prior seasons have given us
Jeff hanging out of a helicopter; Jeff being escorted
by fighter jets; and Jeff killing a man with his bare
hands, but this season was dull--Jeff is walking on
a volcano. Bor---ing! Jeff rants about how there are
spirits on the island, and how cannibalism is still
practiced here. Mostly, I'm just happy that Jeff is
wearing a 3-pocket shirt!
And
hey, we're up to 18 survivors--not 16, like all prior
non-All Star versions. The Apprentice
also added two more members to 18 this season.
Let the never-ending series begin! We see the
intros--and hey, it's men vs. women, how very creative!
That has never been done before! There is Julie,
Chad, Mia, John P, Dolly (lame), Rory, Twila (eek!),
Brooke, Lisa, Chris, Eliza, Travis, Lea, Scout (yikes),
John K, Ami (numerous essays on her throughout the season),
Brady, and Leann. I know nothing about these people,
and given that it's Week 1, let's wait a little while
before we go up close and personal on them, shall we?
A
grand entrance is about to take place, as numerous boats
circle the boat holding the Survivors. Dolly looks very
confused, but she works with sheep everyday. Jeff tells
the crew that upon accessing the land they will take
part in a tribal ritual that they must participate in,
which will leave the tribe mates feeling "beautiful,
repulsed, and mortified." I have a joke here, but
um...nope, never mind.
The
ceremony begins, and we get to learn about Travis--yes,
he's wearing a gimmicky Bob Barker shirt that is two
sizes too small, he just learned to swim, and apparently
just learned to speak. Somewhere, Big Tom is proud.
The
ceremony continues, and Rory makes a few inane comments
(I believe he plays the race card, setting a new record
for fastest use of the race card at 8:12pm). The
tribal ritual surprisingly involves 123 Stanford Mascots--look
at those trees go! The men get a good seat, while
the women are moved into a corner. The men then
drink this crazy "mud drink" which leaves
Lea numb. John P is excited that the girls don't
get anything to drink, but Ami's cool with that, because
she is a Barista. (Is there ANY job title that
reveals what company you work for more than a Barista?)
Oh,
then a big dramatic slaughtering of a pig. This
was silly. The men get some blood, and get a stone
that warns off evil spirits. This was designed
to be a big challenge, as the men had to move up a pole
greased with fat. And with all that drama, it
was solved in about three seconds. Brady is the
man. A former FBI agent, I think Brady may be
the ladies' choice here. Oooh, Brady!
Before
we head to commercial, we get further insight from our
country contestants. Travis indicates that "it's
rainin' so hard it's like pouring pee out of a boot
on a flat rock." I have no idea what this
means. Twila is fearful of the 'prissy women'
in her group. Quick note--Twila is not prissy,
and I'm sure she'll fit right in.
The
men are the Lopevi tribe, and the women are the Yasur
tribe. Names are now being creating by pulling
Scrabble tiles out of a hat. Jeff sends them off
to the night with no supplies and no directions.
Let the fighting begin!
Commercial
Break #1:
Not
to go all Peter King on you, but here is my annoying
travel note of the week: the airplane middle-seat
stare down. You know, as you walk down the aisle,
and people give you the look of death, praying that
you won't sit next to them. Actually, I'm starting
to make this a fun game. Here's the plan--wait
till most of the plane has boarded, and everyone has
settled into their aisle and window seats. Then,
as you walk down the aisle, make sure to make eye contact
with as many people as possible, and look at that middle
seat. I've never seen so many evil stares in my
life, as people are hoping against hope that I won't
take their precious space. Of course, this only
works when you don't have to sit in the dreaded middle
seat. I hate those people!
To
really make the stares evil, walk down the aisle mumbling
'seat E, seat E, seat E'.....
Speaking
of flying, can we stop showing previews for Lost? Planes
can't really break apart like that, can they?
And
we're back!
Hey,
the women start to fight. Scout wants to hunker down,
stop, and rest, while Eliza wants to continue on the
journey. Leann is afraid of a spider, which bodes well
for being out in the wild for 39 days.
Over
at Lopevi, Rory quickly violates Rule #27 of Survivor--simply
don't talk for the first 9 days. If you ever want to
ruin your chances on the show, just talk away, and Rory
is doing exactly that. He keeps shouting about the need
for a game plan; the men quickly find their shelter/flag,
and Rory is in trouble trouble trouble.
The
women find their flag--group hug!
Day
2:
The
women begin to build a shelter, with Scout, Twila, and
Leann helping. Scout isn't too pleased with the
four 'sorority chicks'--you go, Scout. By the
way, Twila is a highway repair worker--you have only
18 people out of 280 million, and TWO are highway repair
workers? Twila also speaks the language of Vanuatu,
which means she's as easy to understand as Darrah.
Meanwhile,
the men are trying to start fire, and John P laments
that they almost started a fire, as they had a "hot
amber." The only hot amber on the show is
from last season. John P joins Travis in the Survivor
grammar competition. But hold on--down goes Chad's
leg! Chad is a cancer survivor from 20 months
ago, and is now on to the next challenge. John
K is a mechanical bull operator who works at the Saddle
Ranch on Sunset. I wish him nothing but pain.
Commercial
Break #2:
Steve
and Andrea don't agree with me, but The Apprentice
officially jumped the shark last week, when Mark, I
mean Donald, eliminated Bradford based strictly on ratings,
and not for talent. An arrogant Bradford stated that
he would give up his exemption (next season Mark Burnett
may as well give the project managers an immunity idol)
because he was so confident in his job. The Donald used
this as a way to create a dramatic boardroom scene,
because it was going to be quite a boring decision,
eliminating one of two idiots. As the credits show,
"Donald Trump consults with the producers of the
show about various outcomes, but the final decision
is his." Well, at least half of that statement
was correct. Oh, and here is what else bugs me: on the
Thursday episode it appears that both Carolyn and Frank
agree with Donald, but on the Saturday replay (with
more footage; I watched it, don't ask), they both lobbied
for someone else to get the boot.
Oh,
and genius Donald in the first week stated, "We
have students from the finest business schools in the
country--Harvard, Princeton, Wharton." Umm, Princeton
doesn't have a business school...
And
we're back!
Day
3 begins with Yasur getting tree mail. Sadly, this marks
the first "read along" with tree mail this
season. And if that crazy riddle is correct, it looks
like the winner gets some fire.
Jeff
Probst Fashion Update: 3 pocket shirt, gray, and some
new shell necklace thing.
The
tribes reach the challenge site, and already the staff
must be over budget, cause everything on this challenge
is a rehash from prior events. Each team member needs
to go through a mud pit--the men come out first, with
the women looking good with some mud in their teeth;
next, the men work through a puzzle with a ball, leaving
only the crossing of a balance beam to lead them to
victory. Chad, with one leg, walks across the narrow
beam, but many of the men begin to fall, allowing the
women to slowly catch up. While Chad crosses standing
up, most men and women decide to hump the beam and crawl
across. This leads to our first example of 'thank god
you blocked that out' shots of some women's tops coming
loose, and some men showing a little more than they'd
like. Bob Barker is getting ridiculous burns across
his chest, as are several of the women. Scout is half
in, half out of her shirt (I recommend half in). Now
we get to Chris, who continuously falls off the beam.
He takes off his shoes, he tries to crawl, he tries
to buy Jeff a gift, but he can't get across. This is
utter comedy, as he can't crawl across this simple beam.
Somewhere Chad is shaking his head, while Rory is quietly
celebrating the fact that he won't be the first voted
off. The women get across the beam, light the fire,
and win immunity (a flint to start a fire, or to start
some Ambers if you're John P). If your name is Chris,
buh bye.
Commercial
Break #3:
My
biggest reality TV pet peeve is the fake "oh my
gosh" scene. I've already ranted about Queer
Eye, how the camera shot from the inside kind of
gives it away that the Fab 5's entrance isn't a huge
surprise. This past week, nothing was worse than
The Benefactor (a show which I cannot watch
again, it was so bad). Here was the scene--Mark
was calling contestants to let them know they made it
on his terrible show. One contestant picks up
the phone, and then acts as if he's terribly surprised:
"Is this really Mark Cuban?" Let's see:
you have a camera crew in your house from ABC, and they
want you to keep your phone lines clear. Ugh.
Actually,
this should be a reality show: get a list of contestant
names and addresses for those that have tried out for
reality shows; send a camera crew over and tell them
to wait by the phone, and then: A) never call,
B) call to tell them they didn't make it, C) call to
tell them something horrible, D) have the police call
to say the cameraman is a felon, and to get out of the
house. Now that would be a fun show to watch!
And
we're back!
We
return to Chris trying to explain how he can't walk
across a beam. Did you see the Olympics?
Miss Personality/part robot Carly Peterson can do back
flips on a beam, and you can't walk across it?
Stop making excuses. Everyone is ready to vote
for Chris, but here come the old guys, trying to vote
out the young guns. This is led by Lea, who violates
rule #62 of Survivor--those who form early alliances
and betrayals will always be burned. Lots of positioning,
as we move to tribal council.
JPFU:
2 pocket shirt, blue.
For
those of you who don't know...fire is life.
Jeff
asks Chris why he is the worst athlete since Shii-Ann.
Rory mentions that he's fabulous or something; Travis
recommends that you never underestimate women, and to
make sure that you spay or neuter your pets; and a few
men discuss that the women are hot (wait till they find
out they play on the same team as Ami). So we go to
tally the votes, and does anyone really know anyone
yet? I certainly don't.
I'll
tally the votes:
Chris
(smart), Chris (smart), Rory (smarter), Brook (who?),
Brook (who?!), Chris (smart), Brook (seriously, who?!),
Brook (c'mon, really?), and Brook (oh my!).
We've
got controversy. Brook, I feel like we hardly
knew you, because we didn't. But you're gone.
The men head back with no water and no fire, and apparently
Jon P heads back with a lazy eye.
Commercial
#4:
Well,
props to me. Yes, I pimped Arrested Development
to you all last season, and now it won the Emmy for
best comedy. As the producer said, "here's an idea--let's
watch it." Ratings were terrible last season, but
thankfully unlike The Ben Stiller Show, it
was not cancelled. So here's an idea, let's watch it.
Too
bad Entourage is already over, because I loved
that show. Watch it on HBO reruns if you haven't
seen it yet.
The
End! Brook leaves Survivor with possibly the
best line ever, "First, I didn't really learn anything
here, 'cause I was here only three days."
Brilliant. Even better was his close--"Peace
out, SurvivorLand."
And
so, with that, I leave you.
Peace
out, SurvivorLand.
Rick
can be reached at rick@babblog.com.
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