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Ben,
I’m
letting you and Jake in on this deal at the ground floor.
You’ll probably agree with me that it’s just too great
to pass up:
I’m
considering raising capital for a musical/ice skating
adaptation of Out of Africa, tentatively called
“Out of Africa—The Ice of Kilimanjaro.” I’m hoping
to cast Danish speed skating star Per Janson in the
role of the syphilitic husband, with spinning sensation
Lucinda Ruh in the role of the Baroness. Are you
interested in getting in on this sweet money-making
opportunity?
Jeff
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Jeff,
Am
considering your proposed investment opportunity. Question:
why should we pay for the Danes (who command top dollar)
when we can handle all of the main roles ourselves?
I have lots of khaki clothes. Sometimes, when I get
bored with my dissertation, I put them on and pretend
that I’m the ever so cool and composed Bror Blixen.
I have a nice matching rifle, but it hasn’t seen much
use since I scared the kids in the sandlot (the police
were not very understanding, charming as my Danish accent
was).
Sometimes,
when I’m in a rakish mood, I choose instead to play
the part of the lovable rogue, Denis Finchhatten. Sometimes
I even pretend that I’m the tortured, idealistic, and
yet passionate-in-spite-of-himself Count Lazlo de Almasy
(from The English Patient). You get the point—I
have lots of experience doing the expat-European-aristo-in-Africa
thing.
I
don’t know how to ice skate, though. I don’t know if
Jake ice skates either. I do think, given the proper
wardrobe and a bit of makeup, that he would make a smashing
Baroness Blixen. (I know he’d jump at the chance to
address the many inadequacies of Streep’s rendition.)
You yourself would make a handsome Berkeley Cole, though
I’m not sure Lynn is right for the role of Cole’s Somali
mistress (played in the original by Iman). Maybe she
could play the Baroness, and Jake could play the Kikuyu
houseboy—another role I know he secretly covets, mostly
because he’d get to wear a fez.
About
skating: maybe, instead of ice, we could do roller.
How does “Out of Africa—On Wheels” strike you? With
the proper lighting and the right music (I’m thinking
Bee Gees), we could reinterpret the original in an altogether
contemporary light—“Saturday Night (African) Fever,”
etc. I think it has much more mass appeal, and there
would, of course, be many more venues for our tour.
Just
some thoughts. See you soon.
Ben
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Ben,
Thanks
for the prompt reply. I think you aren’t thinking big
enough, here. Sure, Danes are expensive, but I don’t
think you appreciate how Per Janson fills out his tights.
I certainly do visualize a role for you, but I think
a smaller part—perhaps as the governor—is more realistic,
particularly if you are to take on the role as executive
producer. I showed it to Jake. He’s in line with me
on this, although he did get a kick out of your jests
(by the way, he does ice skate), although he got a bit
riled up about that jab at Streep. You know how to push
his buttons.
I’d
really like to expand and age the Berkeley Cole character,
so that Michael Kitchen could reprise his role from
the movie. Love his work on the Foyle’s War series;
he would really lend credibility to the project. His
people say he doesn’t skate, but as he is bedridden
with Black Water Fever for the duration, this is a non-issue.
As
for the roller skating idea—I like it, but I don’t think
Out of Africa plays in roller skating communities
anyway. I’d like to get some focus group data
on this before we proceed. If we get Kitchen,
maybe we can do a complete overhaul on the script and
sell it as a “Black Water Fever: Out of Africa
on Ice,” with Cole as the lead character instead of
the Baroness. Also, I’m reconsidering my original
cast—perhaps we should take a run at Katarina Witt.
She can’t jump anymore, so she isn’t commanding as much
on the exhibition circuit, but she still has sex appeal,
particularly from the vantage point of stadium seating.
We
had to nix Jake’s suggestion for casting Apolo Anton
Ohno as Finchhatten for a couple of reasons. First of
all, we’re thinking of starting off in S. Korea, and
his numbers aren’t good there, despite what Jake says.
Also, he may make Witt look, well, large. He’s the closest
to matching Redford’s panache of anyone we’re currently
considering, but these are weighty issues. Any suggestions?
What about Flavor Flav? His people say that he’s willing
to break out a new Flavor dance for the show.
Let
me know what you think of the new direction. Make sure
you don’t forget to ring up the Bri-Bri to get his input.
Give my best to Gladys.
Jeff
Mr.
Lewis can be reached at jeff@babblog.com.
Copyright
Jeff Lewis, 2004 |
