All
of the signs are there--I'm getting old. In the
past few months, the signals have come one at a time:
1) I'm now absolutely terrible at volleyball, 2) mornings
are no fun after a long night of drinking, and 3) nothing
makes you feel old like the fact you're about to have
a child. But this weekend may have taken it to
a whole new level--and it happened while watching Extreme
Makeover-Home Edition. The first sign of
trouble was that I was actually watching Extreme
Makeover-Home Edition. That should have been
bad enough, but to make things worse--and I'm kind of
embarrassed to admit this--I got so into the story that
I started to get all choked up. Damn that Encinitas
family and the wonderful community which rallied around
them. Damn you ABC for playing with my emotions!
Would this have happened five years ago? Hell
no. I would have been rooting for the bulldozer
to take out one of the nine kids. If it was ten
years ago, we would have created the "Extreme Makeover
Drinking Game," where you had to drink whenever
they mentioned their mom, or whenever Ty acted like
an idiot. Now that would be fun! Instead,
I found myself saying things like, "There needs
to be more shows like this." Somebody shoot
me...
We're
at Lopevi on Day 4, and the men are staring around a
pile of rocks. Unfortunately for them, fire did
not magically appear from the rocks. With no food
or water, they start eating worms. Chris (highway
construction worker) admits that the first four days
have been very tough. So the men work pretty hard
to get fire, and I think Mark Burnett must have put
out the flame, since every scene we see is of smoke
and fire being created. Mark cues a rainstorm
perfectly (yes, he now controls the weather), and the
men are still without fire. I say this every year,
but if you find out you're going to be on Survivor,
you should do two things immediately: first, buy
some three pocket shirts to be in with the host; second,
learn how to make fire!
We
head to Yasur after getting a shot of a very large bat.
It appears that Survivor All-Stars : Crabs
:: Survivor-Vanuatu : Bats (as a random aside,
no more analogies on the SAT--kids have it easy these
days). The women are trying to get some bananas
or plantains or something. And let's just say
that the interesting shot we get of the women chopping
down the food has had some, um, work done. Good
Lord was that scary.
Thunderstorms
begin, and Eliza starts to complain. Of course,
the women have food and fire. They then believe
that there are maggots in their food (I'm still not
sure if there actually were maggots). And this
prompts our first mental breakdown of the season!
(Bad news for those of you who had Dolly win the pool.)
Dolly starts to lose it, and in a perfect interview--admits
to our camera while crying hysterically that she is
really happy to be here, and she's having a great time...she's
just a little hungry, that's all. Yep, she's stable.
Twila is also stable, as she stated how much she enjoys
eating maggots. I'm also concerned with Twila's
view on luxury, as she states "if these sorority
girls want to be pampered, they need to stay at the
Holiday Inn." I don't know about you, but
unless Chingy is hanging out at The Holiday Inn, I don't
want to be there (and to the 3% of you who get that,
good job).
Over
at Lopevi, Bob Barker and John P have a talk about strategy.
Bob (okay, Travis) admits that Jon is a threat to the
older men, and that he needs to be eliminated. Why is
he a threat--according to Bob, 'cause you are attractive,
you are smart, and you are nice.' Ahhhh, I think Bob
has a crush!
JPFU:
3 pocket shirt, blue. Sleeves rolled up above the elbows.
The
challenge is pretty basic--the teams are aligned on
a very thin platform, and must move each member from
one end to the other. This requires that each
person work closely with all other team members to get
across . The reward? Blankets and pillows and a
hammock. If Lopevi wins, they get a flint.
Scout sits out for the women, and we wait for Jeff's
Go!
The
men aren't exactly comfortable touching each other,
and have tremendous difficulty completing the task.
Brady, after a few attempts, get across. Chad has a
lot of difficulty giving support to Brady (you know,
with one leg, it's not that easy to support someone).
Eliza gets across first, then Brady quickly ties it
up. This is a really boring challenge to talk about,
but it's so stupid. Why did the men remain parallel
to the board? If you turned to the side, you'd only
require your teammates to step around you, not bear
hug you for a minute until you both fall into the water.
Ami really enjoyed this event, and the women won 8-1,
as Mia celebrates with a terrible dance before completing
the task. The women are now 2-0 in challenges.
Commercial
1:
The
Amazing Race is probably (gasp!) the best reality
show on television, and this season did not disappoint.
I still can't talk about who won (a very long TiVo gap
for two friends), but I can say that traveling 72,000
miles makes you lose some brain cells. In the
finale, teams were asked to do a challenge, but warned
to not do the event if you suffered from vertigo.
Two of the four teams asked "What is vertigo?"
And
I would love to see a reality TV host battle between
Phil, Jeff Probst, and robot Chris Harrison. I think
Phil would kick some serious ass.
And
we're back!
Rory
is not happy. He feels that he has been disrespected
by the women's celebration of their victory. Rory is
now 2-2 in episodes in which he claims he's been slighted.
Lea (aka 'Sarge') tells Rory to shut up--that they got
their ass kicked, and they deserve it. So a group of
men get together and admit that Rory is a cancer and
needs to be eliminated.
Day
5 at Yasur begins. Leann is feeling good about the tribe,
and enjoyed her blankets. And oh look, it is a chicken!
This should go well. Dolly, Twila, and Lisa (aka Amber
3.0) start to go after the chicken, who is now laying
eggs in a corner. They agree reluctantly to kill it.
Twila gets ready to stab it, and attempts to do so.
Well, I'm not sure what happens, but she may have stabbed
the ground, cause the chicken screams and flies away.
Nice job! As a consolation, they get five eggs.
Ami
is trying to figure out the team dynamics, and decides
that it is old vs. young. Ami decides she needs to be
close to both groups...Dolly and Twila already start
the scheming, something Dolly isn't really prepared
for. Dolly tells her that Twila is a valued member of
the team, and not at risk. I think Twila's fashion sense
alone should put her at risk (that, and her love of
maggots). Dolly somehow gets sucked into an alliance
with Twila. Yeah, that will work.
Commercial
2:
Still
recovering from Extreme Makeover-Home Edition
last Sunday, we got sucked into watching the premier
of Wife Swap, which was unfortunately not the
show I thought it was going to be. (Shouldn't
there be rules about misleading titles?) Anyhow,
we now have a new #1 in the list of "All Time Reality
TV Crazy." Let's review:
#5:
That Fabio looking guy Robert on Cupid.
#4:
Osten--remember, he feared pelicans
#3:
Amarosa--apparently the 'African-American woman who
is certifiably insane' is a favorite of Mark Burnett,
as he cast the same character for this season.
#2:
Trischelle--a five tool player--stupid; a big drinker;
a borderline hooker; attractive enough to draw your
attention; and, the wild card of crazy--hooked up with
Andy Dick during The Surreal Life. She
has used The Real World/Road Rules Challenge
as her personal pension fund, and continues to run her
15 minutes well past the quarter hour.
And
there is a new #1:
Let's
meet Caprice. Caprice is a mom of two that is slightly
uptight. And when I say slightly, I should say 'on
the far edge of insanity uptight.' She can't live without
lists. Now lists are good, but she makes, on average,
20 lists a day. A list of what lists she needs to make
(seriously). She cleans her house every day for a minimum
of 5 hours a day. That is not an exaggeration. Her husband
is equally crazy, and likes to clean so much that he
was seen sweeping the pavement on the street outside
their house. To stay extra clean, they have a neat little
routine when drinking their morning coffee--fearful
of the stains that coffee can bring, they drink it through
a straw, so the coffee will never touch their teeth.
And just to be sure, they get their teeth whitened every
six months. Caprice, congratulations on your new #1
spot!
And
we're back! And we're back with Tree Mail, which means
another exciting rhyming clue! Actually, it means we
get to see just how poorly America can read. The men
decide that in order to win, they need to treat their
spirit stone better. So they build a shrine to it, and
it starts raining. Rory is convinced that there is "magic
on this island."
JPFU:
2 pocket shirt, light blue. What the hell is going on?
Get me a new production assistant immediately!
For
immunity, the challenge is: your typical blindfold
and command challenge. There is one leader who
yells at teammates and tells them how to run into things
and hurt themselves. This has been done in every
season before, which again tells me that Survivor
is saving money to pay for the $550K Janet Jackson "wardrobe
malfunction" fine that CBS just received from the
FCC. Scout will be the team lead for Yasur, while
Lea will be the lead for Lopevi. They just violated
rule # 94 of Survivor--never be the lead for
this challenge--if the team loses, how can you possibly
blame anyone else but the leader? Heck, you shouldn't
even be speaking until Day 9.
The
challenge begins, and let the physical injuries begin!
Sarge yells out military commands, while Scout gets
one group lost. Brady gets hurt on the shin; Bob (aka
Travis aka Bubba) doesn't know what 'left' means. Now,
for whatever reason, Rory starts singing and shouting,
completely distracting Lea. Lea tells him to shut up,
and let's be clear that Rory will be the next male eliminated.
The
men go out to a huge lead, slow down on building the
final puzzle, but hang out well enough to win the challenge.
Fire is yours!
Commercial
#3:
A
real commercial, or series of commercials: the
Wachovia commercials really bother me. What can
a hula-hoop teach you about your portfolio? What
can a bed sheet teach you about the stock market?
Just shut up!
Who are the ad wizards who came up with these commercials?
And
we're back!
Let
the scheming begin at Yasur. Scout should be gone for
being an idiot in that challenge (she left one piece
in the water). Julie (who the hell is she?) asks Dolly
who she is voting for, and Dolly admits that Eliza is
likely going to be gone. This is suicide, as Eliza is
part of the same sorority gang that Julie is a part
of. Dolly, who works with sheep all day, is suddenly
very confused, cause she doesn't want to hurt anyone's
feelings. Dolly admits that she is in the middle of
a 'cluster you know what.' Now Ami and Dolly start to
talk, and the vote is leaning towards Leann. (Ooh, cool
shot of crazy bats!) Now Dolly and Scout talk, and
the talk swings back to Eliza. At this point, I'm convinced
that her sheep could do a better job at this game than
Dolly. Ami turns the tide, during a conversation with
Eliza and Leann. And yep, when you start scheming this
early, it always comes back to get you. The tide turns
to voting Dolly off. And with that, we head to Tribal
Council.
JPFU:
3 pocket shirt, black.
The
discussion is stupid. Typical questions, typical answers.
Hey, we're tired, and certain people are working hard,
and certain people aren't. Some people own sheep that
are smarter than they are. Some people like to eat maggots.
Some people really like the other women. Dolly admits
that she is the swing vote tonight, and it is very tough
on her (total curse). Jeff, of course with no inside
information, asks both Leann and Eliza if they feel
vulnerable tonight. Julie votes for Leann, stating that
Dolly is running the show (God help them). It appears
to be a Leann vs. someone battle, which can only mean
the following:
Leane,
Liegh An, Leanne (that's three different people?!),
Dolly, Dolly (and the sorority girls freak out; Mia
is very confused); Dolly, LeAnn (hey, good spelling),
Dolly, and Dolly! Goodbye you scheming, naive sheep
herder. Eliza, Welcome to Isolationville, Population:
You.
Commercial
4:
Survivor
All-Stars is now on DVD. More importantly,
Seinfeld DVDs start coming out in November.
And
we're back!
On
the next episode, Twila gets into it with the younger
women; Rory starts complaining; Jeff wears a crazy red
hat; and two people will get voted out. Oh, the humanity!
Final
words: Dolly is "relieved" that she was voted
out. "I wasn't cut out for this. I'm just a simple
farm girl. I just kind of live in my own little world,
and I just belong on a farm." Simple words from
a simple girl, and I think we've all learned something,
haven't we?
See
you next week (probably in 24 hours, as Episode 3 will
come quickly).
Best,
Rick
Rick
can be reached at rick@babblog.com.
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