Golf Rules to Make Lanny Watkins Proud

Golf Rules to Make Lanny Watkins Proud
by Jeff Lewis

I am surprised by how many golfers are content to play round after round of stroke play, mechanically adding the scores of each hole together to get an eighteen-hole total. That's all good and well until you hit the ball out of bounds twice on the third tee, muff your approach shot, then hit into a bunker and three-putt for an eleven.

For many people, that eleven conveniently becomes an eight or nine when it reaches the scorecard, thereby salvaging the round, but for honest golfers, an eleven basically ruins things, at least score-wise. You are forced to play out the string with no hopes of an excellent score.

If you are using an alternate scoring system, however, all is not lost. For example, in a skins game with friends, an eleven doesn't matter so much, because it's no worse that losing a hole by a single stroke.

Another common alternate is "Goofy Golf," which usually starts on the first hole out of sight from the starter's shop, and begins with the phrase, "You guys aren't cops, right?" I don't personally play this form of golf, but if I have to play with strangers, I prefer it when they do. Proponents of Goofy Golf are less likely to try to fix my swing, or yell, "Sit! Sit! You #&%&*$-*%&#*$&, $*$#*%*#*!!!!" when they fly their ball over the green, or ask me, "Ever play Military Golf?" and when I say, "No, I never play Military Golf," still need to finish off the joke with a "Left, left, left, right, left," or whatever their particular variation on the joke is.

Over the years, I've developed a number of scoring methods to make golf interesting for myself when I'm playing poorly, which, quite frankly, is always. First off, I alter par to match my ability and play with the credo "Anything with a name is good." In other words, if I shoot a birdy, par or bogey, I'm happy, and with a double-bogey, I'm content. In fact, par for me is double bogey. A snowman on what most people consider a par five: that's merely one over par for me. If I come in with a 112, I think to myself, "Not bad. If one or two putts hadn't lipped out, and if it hadn't taken five strokes to get out of the bushes on the fifth, or if I hadn't four-chipped on twelve, I would have had a fine round."

While altering your expectations is a good start to finding peace in golf, it still doesn't help much if you are having an exceptionally poor round, such as the 128 that I shot two weeks ago. During that round, on two different holes, I hit the ball out of bounds three times from the tee; that means when my ball finally reached grass, I was laying seven. In times like that, it's not a bad idea to have some alternative golf rules to fall back on.

Completist Golf, Baggily Speaking (CGBS)

CGBS requires you to play every club in your bag—with the exception of putting on the green—before you are allowed to reuse a club. This adds a couple of wrinkles to a golf round, such as:

Good golfers get to practice hitting their clubs non-standard distances; bad golfers will have an excuse for why they are long or short of the green.
Players using poor strategy may have to tee off with a six-iron on a par 5.
When you are 250 yards out and have a 3% chance of hitting the foursome standing on the green, you can save time by laying up with your seven-iron and then playing your next shot with a nine.
You'll have a reason to carry multiple clubs of the same type. On the day I shot 128, my brother borrowed one of the bags from our garage that had three seven-irons, three four-irons (one of which was lefty) and two sixes. If we'd been playing CGBS, this could have been a substantial advantage if he were adept at using fours, sixes and sevens (although the lefty four would have been tricky).

Modified Bingle Bangle Bungle, Called Bingley Bangley Bongol

Bingle Bangle Bungle (BBB) is a real scoring system—as opposed to one that I made up—that awards points for three different events on each hole: one point for hitting the green first, one for being closest to the hole, and one for being the first to hole out (provided the player with the longest putt is always the one putting; tap-ins out of turn don't count). The person with the most points at the end of the round wins.

I prefer a modification to this form of BBB, which incorporates drives into the mix. Here is how the points are divvied up:

On par 4s and 5s, players get one point for the longest drive, provided it is on the fairway. If someone has a longer drive off of the fairway, nobody gets a point. Another point is awarded for the golfer with the straightest drive on the fairway (the closest to the imaginary centerline of the hole). If a player scores a point in one of these two ways, he must say "Bingley" in order to be awarded the point. There are no bonus points for a "Bingley Dance," but one is always appreciated.
On all holes, players get one point for reaching the green in the fewest number of shots; in the case of a tie, the player who shot from furthest out gets the point (on par 3s this makes tee placement important). The player who earns the point must say—and this is where things get a little complicated—"Bangley Bert!" If they forget to include "Bert" in the exclamation, they will not receive a point, unless they've accrued enough goodwill from previous Bingley Dances that players are willing to let the Bert omission slide.
On all holes, the player who lands his ball closest to the pin, on shots outside of one club's length from the fringe, gets a point. Upon receiving the point, the player must say, "Bangley Bangley Bangley Get Your Badverbs Here." There is no good reason for this; it is just how the game is played.
On all holes, the player who sinks the longest putt gets a point after stating, "Bongol is simplicity, a cause and effect." It is important to note that Bongol is pronounced "bon-goal," not "bong-goal." BBB has naught to do with water pipes.

The Montclair Scoring System

This is a heavily modified form of stroke play, which is at its best when used at ill-manicured nine-hole pitch-n-putt courses, such as Montclair Golf Course in Oakland or University City Golf Course in San Diego. It isn't particularly silly, so it's good for mixed company. Here's how it works:

On each par 3 hole, the person closest to the pin (provided they are on the green) gets one stroke deducted from his final score.
On each hole, the player who sinks the longest putt (provided it is their first putt and is longer than the length of the flag) gets one stroke deducted from his score. If a player sinks a shot from outside the fringe, he gets two strokes deducted.
Play holes #1-8 and mark your score on your scorecard.
If you are on a nine-hole course, go back and play holes #2-8 again. Take the best score from your two attempts. Then finish off your round on hole #9.
You'll end up with a nine-hole total when you add holes #1, #9 and your top scores on #2-8. Subtract your bonus points from this total.

Weekend O' Fun Style

This form of golf, created specifically for the Weekend O' Fun tournaments in 2003 and 2004 is best if you have nobody waiting behind you, because on most holes, it is virtually impossible to break double digits. The rules are simple:

Weekend O' Fun Style is best when wearing plaid pants, ugly socks and a fake moustache. Also, don't be afraid to use the phrase, "Wind it down and let it come out hot."
The scoring is a straightforward stroke play format.
Each hole has a theme, with a match swing that golfers must use throughout the hole. Examples of themes are:
- Pirate: One arm, one leg, one eye, must yell a pirate expression during swing
- Happy Gilmore: Must step into shot and hold club as if it were a hockey stick with one hand down the shaft
- Colossus of Rhodes: Straddle the ball and hit it behind you, through your legs
- I've Got Mustard On My Hands!: Must have mustard on your hands

Waterfeningford Modified

The Waterfeningford Modified system is similar to the Stableford Scoring system used at the International golf tournament. It's the one where it is good to have a high score, because birdies, eagles and double eagles gain you points, while bogeys subtract points. Here's the point breakdown for the Waterfeningford Modified:

Double eagle: 113 points
Eagle: 53 points
Birdie: 19 points
Par: 11 points
Bogey: 5 points
Double Bogey: 0 points
Triple Bogey: -3 points
Quadruple Bogey or Worse: -5 points

To sum up: these scoring systems are virtually guaranteed to infuse life into your future rounds of golf. Just print out this article and place it in your golf bag next to the half-finished bottle of Power Aid. When you meet up with your foursome, you should immediately start promoting the benefits of the rules I've presented above. Better yet, you should make four copies and hand them out to your partners. After giving them ample time to read over the rules, answer any questions they may have and call for a vote.

If the foursome seems perplexed, you might want to make a suggestion rather than take a vote. If your group is largely mustachioed, try the Waterfeningford Modified first; start with Weekend O' Fun Style if your fellow golfers favor false moustaches.